In Rememberance

I knew this day was coming. Today is Veterans Day. It is the day that we celebrate the rememberance of all the service men and women who have served out country, are serving and will serve. Thank you to all those heros God has blessed us with.

But, what most don't know is that it is also a very sad day for me. It is the day that will forever be burned into my heart. It is the day that will always hold sadness because I will not be able to hold my baby. Today was the day I was due to bring my baby into this world.

I knew I would be sad. I did not look forward to this day. I do feel sad. I feel like a piece of me is missing. And I cry. I cry because I could not protect my little angel. My heart is broken. I am sorry my little angel. I am sorry that I was not hero enough to protect you. I am sorry that I could not bring you to meet your father, my true hero, my soldier.

I think of you daily, and hope that God is taking care of you until we meet again. I loved you even before I met you. And I love you still.

Some days...

There is a commercial that I've seen on tv recently, I can't remember the product, but the woman says..."When my children were babies, they were so sweet, I could have eaten them up. Some days, I wish I had!!" I laugh every time I hear this.

Today was one of those days. T has been so difficult recently, and I don't know why. He has been sassing me, back talking, ignoring me, walking away from me...basically a teenager, except that he is 9. WTH?!?!

During Robotics, his robot wasn't working EVERY time. It worked many times though. But each time he ran it, he would stand up and say "I quit" or "I give up". He was just being negative. He started talking back to me, and I had to take him outside and I spanked his butt!! What made him think that was ok?? Really?? He stood outside, nose to the wall, and cried until we were done. Once we got into the car, we talked about being respectful, and not being rude. We talked about not talking back, and fulfilling his obligations to the team. He cried all the way home.

I don't understand why he feels the need to push my buttons. I asked him, and he doesn't have an answer. I asked him if he thinks it makes me feel good to punish and yell at him, and he said yes. Doesn't he understand how much it bothers me to punish him? UGH!!!!

Makes me wonder sometimes if I am doing a good job. But I keep telling myself that I am doing my absolute best!!

Thank God I love him so much!! <3

Just thinking...

I watched a movie today, a documentary called Babies. It was about 4 babies from different parts of the world (America, Malaysia, Indonesia, Africa). Their lives from birth throught heir first year. It was cute.
But of course it made me miss my baby more. Today I would be 37w4d. Hard to believe that at this point, I would be wishing for time to hurry. I would be so close to my sweet HOPE. Its funny, because sometimes I sit here and think about what life would belike if she were truly coming. How would my life be different? What would I be doing? I know there is no use wondering, but I do.
I look forward to experiencing life as a new mom again. I look forward to giving my husband the ultimate joy of life. Hopefully in the Spring. Crossing my fingers.

I know how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband, and a great son. I cherish that every day of my life!! Thank you God!

Wave of Light

October 15th, WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, SIDS

On this day a Wave of Light has shone upon the Earth in rememberance of all the angels sharing their wings with God. All around the world, candles were lit at 7pm to remember our loved ones, causing a continuous wave of light.
I chose to light three candles. One for the loss of my angel (whom I have been calling HOPE), one for my friends/curlys who have lost their angels, and one for the love and peace that guides them home.
Today I would be 36w1d. I would be so close to holding my sweet HOPE. Instead I celebrate the love of an angel who stands with me, and guides me.

I continue to feel the sadness in my heart. I want to hold my baby. I cannot let go of the memory I was blessed with. I cannot let go of my sorrow. It has become a part of who I am.

I have dealt with the loss of my baby. But as the due date draws near, I feel the pain all over again. Like it is happening all over again. I hurts to think that I will never be able to see my angel. I will treasure the date forever ~November 11, 2010

‎"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Its been awhile since I've written. Life has been busy.
In the past few weeks so many things have happened. I finally got ahold of my RE's office, only to find out that the nurse and scheduler have both quit. Not only that...but they forgot to update my file. I now have to go back on the waiting list for IVF. UGH!! There is nothing I can do about it. I tried talking to the girls in the office, and they sympathize, but, sorry. So now, I have to wait until probably around April 2011. That sucks.

Recently a friend of mine, had a miscarriage. I know how heart broken she has been. I have been checking on her quite a bit. My heart hurts for her.

A few days ago, I went to my 20 year reunion. I went with my best friend. After the reunion, we sat in front of his house, and talked for hours. It was so nice to spend time with him, and just talk. We got to talking about the love of our children. I was telling him how much I love my boy, and how I never knew I could love anyone that much. I also told him how since the miscarriage, my love has changed, because now I see how fragile life is.

While we were talking, I told him how I kept wanting answers as to what happened. But kept saying that I know everything happens for a reason. It was at that moment that I realized what my reason might be. Maybe the reason for my miscarriage was so that I could be there for others. It warmed my soul, and gave me a sense of peace to think that my angel gave me a purpose.

"God please watch over my angel as she guides me to be strong for myself and others." I will always love you Angel.

Moving on...

I contacted my RE's office today!!

Let her know that I am ready to move forward. It has been nearly 5 months since the miscarriage, I am emtionally ready to try again!! HOLY COW!! I still need $1500, but I'm sure we will make it work. I am ready! So hopefully within the next month we can get this show on the road, and get me the baby I have been wanting.

Squishy...

OH MY GOSH!! Life has been so busy. I took Ty to Cub Scout Camp for three days. It was so crazy hot! And I was so tired. But we had a great time! They kept the boys so busy! I'm so glad I had the opportunity to go with him. :) He is my love.

We got back on Saturday, and after talking to my mom, I decided to go straight to my brothers house. Baby Shelby had made her arrival. I was so excited to meet her. My mom and I went to the hospital to visit, along with Ty. As soon as we got there, my SIL handed me the baby. She is so beautiful. Ty wanted to hold her, so I put her in his arms, and he started talking to her. He started calling her 'Squishy'. Then, he started repeating the line from Finding Nemo: "I shall call her Squishy, and she shall be mine, she shall be my Squishy". I think the name Squishy will stick! It is too cute.

I found out that my brother still had not come back home. It broke my heart to know that he wasn't going to be there for his wife and baby. WTH? I told my SIL that I would stay with her and help her as long as she wanted. I figured if I could only do a little, maybe watch the older girls, at least it was something to help her. I wanted to help, where my brother was faultering. UGH!! I love her so much.

It was so nice to be able to talk to her, really talk to her. But it broke my heart to know that she is so heartbroken. I really hope my brother pulls his head out of his @$$.

While I was there, I had such horrible dreams. Several times I dreamt of my DH leaving me. I'm sure it was because I couldn't stop thinking about my brother. I woke up several times so sad. But I know my DH loves me! <3

I was lucky enough to talk to my hubby this morning. :) Aside from the weather being crazy HOT, he is well!
We talked about my brother, and how sad we were that he was struggling with life. Struggling with his relationship. He walked out yesterday because (he says) he couldn't deal anymore. My hubby reminded me of a movie (FIREPROOF) I brought home when we were having issues a year ago. I am going to send it to my brother. I know that it won't solve his problems, but maybe it will give him a different perspective.
I watched the movie again this morning. Renewed faith! I am lucky!

My niece hasn't showed up yet. Still waiting for Shelby!!

Moving forward...

There are times when I feel as though I am at a standstill. Everyone around me is moving on, I am stuck. I am constantly looking for the positives in my life, trying not to see those sad moments. Trying not to feel sorry for myself. But I am sad. I am sorry. I am stuck.

My SIL is due to have her baby any time. Her 5th child. Yes, I said it #5!! I love all my nieces, but I am sad. Had I not miscarried, I would be 26 weeks today! I would be enjoying my pregnancy, along with the arrival of my newest niece. Instead, I am sad. I am not looking forward to the phone call that she has arrived. Or of holding her in my arms for the first time. Broken hearted.

I will always be sad. Don't get me wrong, I am moving forward, but my heart will never forget the pain I endured in losing the baby I only held in my belly for a short time.

Though I know I sound so down, I am however healing. I am ready to move on. I am ready to try again. I have a little more money to save, but I am ready. My DH left me his goodies, lets get this show on the road. I know another pregnancy will not replace the one I lost, but I must move on. I am ready.

Now I just need more money! Still haven't been able to find a job. I've gone on a lot of interviews, even some second interviews. I walk away from the interviews feeling good. But I still seem to be jobless. HMMM.!! Really hard to find work.

What is Gods plan for me?

What's next...

So, Rob is in Kuwait. I hope he doesn't melt! The weather is 123 degrees during th day!!!! YIKES!! I just know I would be cranky!
I talked to him yesterday, and miss him so much! Being an Army wife is so hard sometimes. But, I knew what I was signing up for right? Doesn't matter, still hurts.

I've been keeping myself busy with school, but school will be out in a week. What then?

I am going to get back to focusing on me. I started walking again. Walked two miles this morning. Boy was I tired. But I want to get myself healthy again. I want to get my body ready to start the IVF process again. I am finally ready to begin again. I'm still scared, but ready to move forward. I'd like to begin in September. Ideally I'd like to lose 10-15 pounds. I'm going to start eating better. Want to make sure there is a good room for rent. ;)

So for now, to keep myself honest, I will keep tabs on myself here. In public view. Hee hee

Looking forward to the new me. The better me. :)

For the most part...

I've been keeping busy. With PTA stuff, end of school year, robotics club, cub scouts...I am definitely busy.

But no matter how busy you keep, you always have moments of down time. This morning, I was watching tv, and was suddenly so sad and crying! I miss my best friend, my husband. And it has only been a month...I still have a year to go!!

God bless my soldier!

It Just Hit Me...

This weekend, was the first time that it hit me. The first time that I rolled over in bed, and realized that I was alone. The first time that I felt sad.

For the past six months, Rob has been back and forth so much. Home a week, gone two weeks. Home two weeks, gone for three. Home for one week, gone for one. It was so crazy. And now two weeks after he left for mobilization, it has hit me. Hit me that I am alone for the next year.

I think that it took so long because he was back and forth so much. Oh what a life.

Since he is still in the states, we are able to talk. But on July 12th, he will be gone. Spending a year in Kuwait. UGH!! I miss him already.

Keeping Busy!

The secret to deployment is keeping busy!! (In case you didin't know)

Tyler and I have been handling the deployment pretty well. T goes to school all day, plus cub scouts and robotics...he is busy. I am trying to run my PTA, and looking for a job. Plus, I decided to do a little spring cleaning.

Spring cleaning in itself is a mess. The only way to do it right, is to tear it apart, and build it from scratch. Which is what I hve been doing. So glad that noone decided to 'stop by' for a visit. I would have been so embarassed.

I have been selling things on Craigslist, putting things in storage, and making room for a more organized life.

The one I am worried about...Jack. Jack misses daddy. Jack sits at the window, whimpers and cries, paces in front of the door. But daddy isn't coming home soon. :( I know what to do when T is sad. But what do you do when your pup is sad? I have taken him to the park. I have taken him for playdates. I have taken him to school. Poor little guy! Trying to get him back into a routine. But he still doesn't want to chase his duck. Doesn't want me to throw the ball. Hoping that time will make a difference.

Never thought It would be my pup that would be so sad...

Hard To Say GoodBye

The weekend has come and gone...

On Friday morning, Ty and I drove Rob to Los Angeles to check in with his Army unit. It was a little tough, but we knew that we'd see him one more time before he left. We dropped Rob off at 8am, and then I decided to take Ty to breakfast at a McDonalds where I worked when I was a teenager. This breakfast started a whole trip down memory lane.
After breakfast we drove by my first apartment, so many wonderful memories there. I drove past my high school, and my best friends parents house (actually surprised I remembered how to get there). Then we went to my middle school and elementary school. I drove past grandmas old house. Then we went to Rose Hills to put flowers on grandpas grave. Continued to drive around for another couple of hours, places I lived, places I used to hang out. Talked to my BF John, and Ty and I went over and spent the day with him. It was a great day, and a wonderful trip down memory lane. I was so happy!!

On Saturday, the Army was having a deployment ceremony for the unit leaving. My brother and his family came. I told him that it started at 9:30am, and it was a good thing, cause apparently he doesn't know how to tell time. I told him to take the 60 to the 605, because it was the fastest. But no, he had to go his own route. Which took forever. Then he decided at 9:40 that he needed to stop for gas. We finally got to the unit at 10:05am. We were late. The ceremony had already started at 10. I was so frustrated!!
I was very surprised, because once the ceremony was done, Rob was free to spend time with us. So we all went to lunch, and then hung out at my brothers. It was a good day.

On Sunday, we hung out, and my parents came. We had a nice visit. But then I had to take Rob back to his unit to check back in. I was so sad. Rob said goodbye to Jack. Rob hugged T. And then it was my turn. I was so hurt and sad. I never know how to say goodbye, so I hug him, and then I can't let go. It hurts.
Once I let go, T and I drove home. It was a fine ride. But, I hurt. T, Jack and I all climbed into my bed, and slept there together.

Today, being Memorial Day, T and I did nothing. In fact, T stayed in his jammies all day. We had a lazy day. I needed that. But as I sit here, at midnight, I realize how much I miss him. I can still feel his arms around me. I can still feel the warmth of his body against me. I can still feel his lips on mine. But sadly, I won't be able to hold him again for a very long time. I realize as I sit here that a year is a long time. Too long!!

Tomorrow I will begin getting myself back into a routine. The year will go so slowly if I don't get my act together. So I will keep myself busy. Try to find work. Help at school. The busier I am the faster time will go.

The time has come...

The past week has been crazy! Robs last day of work was last week, Tuesday. Since then, we have been doing so much.

On Thursday evening, T and I drove Jack out to my brothers in Riverside to spend the week.

On Friday after school, Rob, T and I went out to Welk Resort to spend a few days having private family time. (We took T out of school for a few days) Saturday we spent most of the day at the pool, and in the recreation room. It was so relaxing. Sunday we picked Aly up, and went to Sea World. Monday, the boys went fishing, and enjoyed male bonding, while I enjoyed my book, and taking pictures. And on Tuesday, we checked out of Welk, drove out to Pala Casino, and had lunch buffet. YUMMY!! It was a great couple of days.

T went back to school on Wednesday, and Rob and I drove out to Yuma, AZ (2 1/2 Hours each way) to have lunch. It was nice to spend time with my hubby in the car, just talking, just the two of us.

Today, I had to catch up with some things at school. Rob did some packing. We went to get the POA. Talked about our finances. blah blah blah...

Tomorrow is the big day. I am taking T out of school again, and driving Rob to LA to meed his unit. He has to be there at 8am, so we have to leave by 6. Once we drop Rob off, T and I will probably drive around my old stomping grounds. I'd like to go put flowers on grandpas grave. And then we will end up at my brothers house.

Saturday is the big deployment ceremony. Not sure what to expect. But I know how sad I will be. I hate good-bye. A year is so long.

I have already been feeling the pain. I have told him that I will miss him. That I don't want him to go. That I hate good-bye. But, I don't have a choice. I saw myself pick a fight today. Because it is easier to be angry than sad. I remember doing this last time too. But we made up. And now we will say good-bye. I will try not to cry. I will try to be strong. But it is hard to lose my best friend for so long. I love my husband, my soldier, my HERO!

Its coming...

Well, time is moving quickly now...

Rob has one more week of work! UGH!! The hardest part about being an Army wife is knowing he is leaving soon, and then saying good bye!

There is so much to do! We have some paperwork to get in order. A power of attorney so I can manage all the household items and finances without him. I need an new ID card. He has lots of equipment to pack. And...Don't forget...he needs to go leave me a deposit so I can try to make him a baby!!!

So, his last day of work is on May 20th. On the 21st, T's school is doing a military appreciation spotlight ceremony (Good timing). Rob (dressed in uniform) and T will be recognized, and then off to a little breakfast. :) T is so excited. Then after we pick T up from school, we are going to our timeshare, and spending a few days there alone!! I think it is so important to have some private family time before he goes. I already talked to T's teacher, and told her that I was going to take him out of school for a few days. She was just fine with that. I think mostly we will just hang out by the pool and waterslides, watch movies, and T may go to the childrens center for arts and crafts. One day we will go to SeaWorld. I think it will be fun. We will be home on the 25th. Rob wants to drive to Yuma for lunch on the 26th, just the two of us, to our favorite place. And then he will leave on the 28th and the deployment ceremony for the family is on the 29th.

Sound like a lot of confusion, huh? It is!

I can already tell you that I hate good-byes. I don't deal with it well. In my head, I am automatically unhappy and angry. And I know that sometimes I pick fights with him, or ignore him. It seems easier than facing it. But its not, because then I feel guilty!

A year is so long. So much will happen in that year. :( And he'll miss it all.

Sometimes being an Army wife sucks.

Test results

So, I just got the results from my Clomid Challenge Test. The RE said that they like the numbers to be below 12 for each day. On day 3 it was at 5 and on day 10 it was at 7. That is great. So they said I was ready to move forward.

But, I'm not ready. I want more time. I know...I know...my clock is ticking! Believe me...I can hear it! But I am too scared! I'm not scared of getting a BFN, I'm scared of falling in love with another baby, and then losing it too. Besides, more time means we'll have more money, and I won't be as stressed.

Plus, Rob gets home tomorrow. He has been in S. Carolina for his deployment training. He will be home for only three weeks. I would like them to be three great weeks. Not stressful because of shots, and hormones. We have so much to do in the next three weeks before his deployment. I need to go get a new ID card. We have to get the POA taken care of. Rob is going to leave a deposit or two at the reproductive lab. Plus we want to have some quality family time before he leaves.

I can't believe that he is going to be gone for a year. Hopefully while he is gone, I can use his stuff, and get myself knocked-up. ha ha ha He thinks its funny that I could potentially get pregnant while he is away. I think it is funny how people will react when they find out I got pregnant while my husband is deployed. But don't worry people...I love my DH.

Nothing else exciting is going on. :) And thats not a bad thing.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week.

Before I suffered from IF...I had no idea that there was a need for National Infertility Awareness Week.
Before I suffered from IF...I didn't know so many people could be suffering from Infertilty
Before I suffered from IF...Infertility wasn't something we talked about
Before I suffered from IF...I thought being childless was always a choice
Before I suffered from IF...I thought I was strong

I now understand how we need Infertility Awareness. IF is not a choice, it happens. Sometimes we can work around it (IUI, IVF), sometimes it kicks us in the butts (Hormones). But more people need to know that it isn't easy, and it is okay to talk about it. We endure so much during our IF journey, from timing and cycling, to injecting and retrieving. Our carefree life becomes a calendar of testing, drugs and procedures.

During my journey through IF, I have learned so much. Not just about what can cause IF, or about things we can do, but also about myself. I am no longer the same person I once was. I am stronger, more emotional, more sensitive, more fragile. I suffer through secondary IF. Some people dismiss the fact that because I have a child, I don't suffer...but I hurt too. Just because I have a child doesn't mean my IF is any different. It hurts me when others around me just decide to get pregnant. It hurts me when others say "When are you going to have another baby?". It hurts me that I can't give my DH a baby, my DS a brother or sister. I have one beautiful 8 year old son. I know I am so lucky that God picked me to be his mom. But I feel that I want to give more.

IF has made me a stronger person. I have always been strong. But IF requires more strength than you can even imagine. You have to reach deep within, and when you think you can't find any more strength, you have to find more. It's not just the scheduling, the drugs, the injections, but also the failures, the mood swings, and the people around us.

I have learned to be more open about who I am, what I want, and what I plan to do to get it done!! I am learning to ask for the things I need: support, someone to listen, hugs. I am learning that it is ok to cry. It is ok to show my sensitivity.

So...next time you hear that someone is having a hard time having a child (whether #1, #2, #3...), remember they need your support. Listen. Be there. Ask questions. It is ok. At times we will be unreasonable, over emotional, hormonal. But we are moms-deep-at-heart willing to do whatever it takes!!

Dumb @$$

So, my brother called me today. He and my SIL are expecting their 3rd child, due in August. Plus, she has two from her first marriage. So, they have a 5yo and 2 1/2yo girls. My brother so desperately wants a boy.

They had their sonogram this afternoon. They want to find out the sex. The baby was being difficult. But the Dr said it looks like a girl.

So my brother called to tell me..."life sucks, I have such bad luck. Looks like another girl." And he wants to know "Why he's being punished".

Are you kidding me?? WTF?!?

Dear God, please punish me this way, please give me this kind of 'bad luck'. I was so mad that he would even say that.

How about this...Give me this girl. Since you guys like having babies, try again for a boy. And when you get another girl. I'll take that one too. You keep trying for that boy that is so important to you, and I'll build my family of girls. Sounds like a win-win situation.

Now, I shouldn't be upset with him. He doesn't know about our IF issues. I never wanted to tell him, because he is the type of person who would rub my nose in it. But still, you shouldn't be so negative about such a beautiful moment in life. You never know what the person you are talking to has gone through.

I have learned that nothing should be taken for granted, and to appreciate every precious moment.

Anyways, just wanted to get this off of my chest. UGH!!

Friendship

I read a post on Fertility Forum, and got to thinking. In the post, a young lady had mentioned how she had very few friends these days. Mostly because of how people move on. And she shied away as they grew their families.

I got to thinking about how many friends I have. At one time, I had so many friends, that I always had someone to hang out with, have coffee with, or chat with. If I wanted to talk to someone because I was sad that my sister was pregnant, I always had someone. If I wanted support for all the medications, needles or procedures, I always had someone. Now, I see that so many of my friends have backed off. Not really sure what happened.

My best guess...Infertility has changed the person I am. I cannot blame my friends for distancing themselves from me. I must take some responsibility.

I am not the same person I was several years ago. I am so much more emotional, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to run as soon as a friend said she needed a sitter, asked if I wanted to come over, or wanted to talk about her own feelings. I used to be so excited when my friends would tell me they were pregnant. I used to be so full of cheer.

Now, I have endured so much pain and loss that it is hard for me to be that same carefree person I once was. I try so hard to put on my happy face, but it is hard. Over the next several months while I prepare to go on my next IVF journey, I want to find that person that I once was.

Does that all sound silly? I don't think so. I think my IF sisters would agree that IF changes the person we are. Both for the good and not so good. I am more independent and strong. But at the same time, I am more emotional and (dare I say) more jealous, and slighly broken. But each day is a better day, and a day that I am closer to holding the sweet baby I have been so dedicated to creating.

Pre-Deployment Training

Got up early this morning to take Rob to the airport. He has another training before his deployment next month. He had to be at the airport at 5am, ugh! Why doesn't the Army ever fly them out at 10am? He will be gone for 2 1/2 weeks. Which isn't that long, but it is. I'll deal.

Time is going to move really quickly now. Once he gets home, he will be here for two weeks. We have some paperwork to finish, some finances to get in order, he will need to leave a couple of deposits for me to try IVF again, and he will have his deployment farewell celebration. And then off to New Jersey for his mobilization. Can't believe the deployment is almost here. I know I have been through this before, but it doesn't get easier.

This will be the hardest deployment yet. With the pending IVF, the recent miscarriage and all the hormones, he has been my rock. Not sure who I can count on to be there for me when I need to talk, or am feeling especially sad and vulnerable. Any suggestions?

During the last deployment, I had sent him a box each month with a theme (Dec = Xmas, Jan = A new year, Feb = Love, etc) I think I will start putting together new themes to use this time. Plus I sent him a card every day!! It helps to pass the time to continue to do things for him. If you've ever been through a deployment, you know how important it its to keep busy.

Obviously once summer gets here, I will have plenty to keep me busy, with the next IVF. In the meantime, T goes back to school on Tuesday from Spring Break. I want to start putting together to program for myself, I'd like to lose a few pounds and find peace in my heart and mind.

Jack and I are going to start walking each morning.
T and I are going to start doing Yoga for mental peace.
And I am looking into a fitness class.
Plus, I'm still looking for a job.

And life goes forward...

Positive Outlook

Today I had an appointment with my RE to discuss what happened. I knew he wasn't going to be able to give me any exact answers, but I was hoping for something that would either give me closure to heal, or something positive. (It was so hard to walk into the room.) My husband came with me, I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, would I be weepy? Would I be strong?

My RE said that most likely the miscarriage was just bad luck. My lining was great, my hormone level was perfect, and the embryo was good. He said sometimes this just happens. He said that he felt really good about doing another round of IVF, if we wanted it. He said that since we were able to get pregnant with an FET, he had high hopes that we could get pregnant again. He also assured me that if he didn't think that another round of IVF would work, he would be honest with me. This gave me hope.

But he has ordered a round of blood tests for me so that we know where we are. The m/c was so hard on me. It broke who I am. I have decided (along with my husband) that we do want to try again, but I want to wait until summer to schedule my next cycle. I plan on completing the blood tests, losing the few pounds I gained with IF drugs, and finding the peace within my heart before I move forward.

Physically I think I am ready to move forward. But emotionally I am not ready. I am still too hurt. And I can't imagine going through another IVF, losing another baby, and feeling this hurt again so soon. Does that sound crazy? My RE and the IVF coordinator both said I could take my time, and when I was ready we would move forward.

I am still sad. I am still hurt. I am still heartbroken.
But...I am eager to start again, I feel positive that my baby is in my future. I have hope!

Bitterness

I keep thinking that I am bitter. But the more I think about it, the more I am thinking that it is so much more than that. It is a combination of things; anger, sadness, confusion to name a few.

Not sure what made me think about this today. Maybe the fact that my ex-boss is an ass. My ex-boss had the audacity to call and ask how to do something. Seriously? You laid us off without notice, and then a week later you want help? Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, I think I am going to put this behind me today, he is not worth it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE to go over what happened. So, I get to ask questions. But I'm not sure what I want to know. At this point, I just want to know what happened. Why did my baby die? I know they won't have the exact answers, but I still want to know. Maybe it will help me have closure.

I am still fragile. I still hurt, and several people have mentioned that they can see something in my face. I just keep giving my token answer, "just busy". Guess putting on my strong happy face hasn't been perfect. Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. I'll let you know.

Avoidance

I have been avoiding my family since the miscarriage. My sisters and her three daughters. My brother and his two daughters, and one on the way. My parents.

I confided in my husband that I was uncertain about going to my brothers for Easter. I told him that my heart still hurts, and that I have been avoiding everyone because I am still sad. And that being with my nieces, and my pregnant sister-in-law only added salt to the wound. He thought I was being silly.

So I put on my strong happy face, and walked in the door.

I'm sure that anyone who knows me well could see the pain on my face. Even though I haven't admitted it to everyone. But I continued smiling, and spend Easter with the family.

I tried to point my attention towards my pup, my husband, my son. But I often found myself staring at my sister-in-law, feeling jealous, sad. I was on edge, a little snappy. But as soon as I noticed myself behaving like this, I would snap myself back and put that strong smile back on my face.

When we left, we drove in mostly quiet, holding hands. He knew I was hurting, he said he 'gets it'. But I just don't think he understands. I know he tries.

So Easter is over. I can go back to standing back, and dealing with my sadness. Focusing on my son and my husband, our life together.

You never know...

when emotion is going to creep up on you, and smack you on the back of the head.

This has been the most trying month of my entire life. What a rollercoaster! With the pregnancy and miscarriage, Rob going to Massachusettes for training, losing my job. It really has been crazy.

I have been fine the past couple of days. I think fine is the wrong word. Numb may be a better word. Lacking emotion is better than dwelling in it sometimes. I am so thankful for my sweet little boy who keeps me smiling, and on my toes.

I sat down after T went to bed tonight, and suddenly had a burst of emotion. And no I didn't burst out in laughter. Suddenly I was sad. Sad and empty. So I put on the radio, and Susan Boyle was singing her heart out. I only heard the last part of the song, but I recognized the song 'I Dreamed a Dream'. I hadn't heard this song in a long time, but this was the first time that I heard the words with my heart.

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

Hit the nail on the head! I'm pretty sure that my dreams have died, and this said it. At least that is how I feel today. Holding on to hope is the biggest challenge of infertility. It is the one wall that I have a hard time getting over. And right now, I have no hope. Sounds sad and pitiful I'm sure. But, its how I feel.

I know I am blessed to have one beautiful 8 year old boy. And, I am lucky. But I never wanted him to grow up alone. I always wanted a litter of babies. I can't imagine life without my siblings. I so wanted him to experience the same bond. The same feelings. I feel like I have failed him. He has lots of cousins. Mostly girls. And he is close to them. But its not the same.

With Easter coming this weekend, I am stressing too. UGH!! Dreading going to my brothers house. Dreading seeing my sister-in-law who is pregnant with her 5th child. Its like throwing salt in the wound. Hurts my heart.

I am so glad my husband will be home to go with me. And my sister will be with me. They are my support. They will hold me together I'm sure. But how do I put on a happy face when all I want to do is cry? How do I pretend to be thrilled when all I am is jealous? These are questions that don't really have answers, but I always feel the need to ask.

I have been avoiding people with babies, and pregnant women because it hurts. But I can't avoid my family forever.

"Dear God, I know that it seems as I have lost faith in your powers, and your plan for me. But I ask you to please help me get through this pain so that I can see what you have in store for me. And please care for my sweet angel who is now in your arms. Amen."

When it rains...

It pours...

So, last night about 7pm my boss called me. He asked if I could have a meeting with him in the office at 9am. I was already planning on being in the office, so I thought this was strange. He had called Les too, we were going to have a meeting together. Because he has been so wishy-washy the past few months, I had no idea what this was all about. I kept hoping that he just wanted to say how well we took on the changes of the new company. But in my heart, I really didn't think that was it.

So I showed up in the office at 8am. Les was there just a minute after me. Together we tried to figure out what was happening. Of course neither of us had any idea what to expect. So for the next hour, we drove ourselves crazy.

At 9am Boss called and said he was running late. He would be in about 9:30. At 9:45 he showed up. He said good morning. and the conversation went like this...

Boss - Ok. First I'd like to thank you both for being here on time. I have made a decision that I am content with, and I'm ready to stick with it. I'm letting you both go. I want my company to grow, so I'm bringing in a temp to take over all duties.
~Long Pause~
Me - If I may ask, did we not live up to the expectations you gave for us? What did we do wrong?
Boss - I just need to change things.
Les - If you're going to fire us on the spot, you owe us at least that.
Boss - Well, I want my company to grow. I have asked that you both make several changes, including being in the office each day, and you have both been doing that and have exceeded my expectations. I appreciate all you have done.
~Long Pause~
Les and I just looked at each other...WTF???
Boss - Les, I will pick up all company property on Monday. Please have it ready. Kim, before you leave, please remove all personal data from your laptop, and leave it here.
Boss - Good news is, you'll be able to get unemployment, and I am working on a severance package.

~Gee thats great news~ (Whatever)

So much has happened to me this month. I just don't know what else could possibly happen. I wish it would stop. I just don't think I can take one more thing.

I talked to Rob tonight, and he was speechless. He was a little angry, but not with me. He just didn't get it...you're doing a great job, you're fired. Makes no sense. But we'll make things work. I am going to file unemployment, and look for another job. Even a part time job if thats all I can get. Anything with income will help.

Good news is that today was the last day of school for Spring Break. T is out of school until March 20th. So, we will have time together. Started with a movie tonight...

Our family

Today was a good day.

I don't know if there is a true reason...I wasn't exceptionally busy, where I didn't have time to think. Nothing wonderfully fulfilling took place. I just feel better today.

I was going to write about the mean lady from the fertility clinic who called because I haven't finished paying for my procedure. I am not behind in payments. And actually I had to call them a couple of days ago because they were double billing me. She was just having a nasty day I guess...

Instead I want to write about something that makes me happy...my family.

My son T is awesome. He is eight, and extremely smart. He is the love of my life. When God chose me to be his mom, I had no idea how much I would grow as a person. When I found out I was pregnant with T, I really didn't believe the dr. For so many years I thought I'd never have a child, and I had accepted that fate. Suddenly she was saying I was pregnant? She was wrong. It was impossible. So I went home and POAS...+ Two days later I POAS...+ Couple of days later I POAS...+ I must have used a dozen HPTs. And they were all +

I have to say that I was pretty lucky with the pregnancy. No morning sickness. Felt great. Continued to do all the things I liked to do...hiking, biking, swimming, roller blading. Nothing stopped me. Two weeks before T was born, I hiked to the top of Stoney Peak. Felt great.

T's entrance into this world was crazy. First I had the flu. YUK! I was cranky. I wanted to sleep. But was having contractions. I labored for several hours. No drugs. And when they finally said he was really close, they were going to call the dr. So at 2am the dr walks in, says hello, and before she could get both arms in the gown, T was flying out. Good catch Doc.

This entrance set the pace for my baby today. T doesn't do anything until he is ready. And when he is ready, you had better be ready.

The other members of our family are Serra the guinea pig. He is 4 years old, and just a funny little creature, loves to chirp. Goldie the gold fish. He was a white fish T won at the fair 3 years ago, now he is gold. And Jack. Jack is our crazy dog. Jack thinks he is human. He is 1 year old, still a pup, still getting in trouble. But just a sweet little guy. He loves chasing T, and waking him up in the morning.

And then there is my husband. The love of my life. I will tell the story of my husband and I at another time.

We are truly blessed to have each other. And I thank God every day!!

Friends...

I have come to realize that anyone who hasn't had a miscarriage really has no idea what to say...
When I had my miscarriage, I couldn't talk. (I couldn't even get the words out to my DH) It hurt so much that I couldn't breathe. A part of my soul had died. All I wanted to do was cry.
It is now about a week since my miscarriage, and I am still crying. I am still sad. But I am going through the motions of moving forward. But I am starting to talk about it. No matter how much it hurts, I think it helps to talk.

I hadn't told many people about our FET because it is already a stressful time. And, I didn't want people always asking...Did it work? Are you pregnant yet? UGH! Talk about pressure. I did confide in a few close people. My sister being one, and a couple of friends.

My sister is fertile. My BIL walks by too fast and she is knocked up. Over the years as we have gotten older, my sister has become one of my best friends. I know I can confide in her, and she will keep it to herself. When she called to see how I was feeling, I told her I had lost the baby. I was in tears. And she said "I'm sorry. I'll call you in a few days." That hurt. Obviously she didn't know what to say. And really I didn't want her to say anything. Just be there. Say she's sorry, listen to me talk.
A close friend I work with said "I'm sorry. But you can always adopt. Or maybe you can try again. You know, it is when you stop trying that it will happen". (In my case it is physically impossible)
A close friend asked me how I was doing, and I couldn't even answer, I was just crying. Right away, she said "I'm so sorry. I have been praying for you. Are you ok? Do you want to talk? Do you need anything?" She just listened.

These are just a couple of examples. Either people just leave you alone because they don't know what to say. (Hey, I'm not contagious!) Or they truly feel your pain and stand by you.

When you say the word "miscarriage" the looks on peoples faces is extreme. Either they are scared of it, or they cry because of it.

~~~~

I was picking T up from school yesterday when another mom, whom I've become pretty close to, asked me if I was ok. Of course I said things were fine. (Put on your happy face) She sent me a text last night and said "I'm concerned about you. You seem down, can I help with anything? If you need someone to talk to, remember I am here" Such kind words. These are the friends that make me who I am. I told her that we found out we were pregnant after 6 years. But that I miscarried last week. Her heart was broken. We chatted for awhile, and then she remined me that she is always around when I need her. She has a heart of gold.

~~~~

I am so happy to have the friends that I have. They help me become the person I am.

I really thought...

That I was dealing with my loss. But last night I was just so sad. I must have cried a river. My heart hurt. And when I woke up this morning, I was still sad. It has been so hard for me to get out of bed, take a shower, drop T off at school, and go to work. I feel like I am just going through the motions. How do I make this better?
I realized today too that I haven't really eaten much in the past week. I know I have eaten, but I don't think it's been much. And my stomach doesn't seem to notice. Can grief take away the feeling of hunger?
The loss of hunger I guess could be good. Maybe I can lose a few pounds. The pounds I've put on with the fertility drugs. HMMMM....

I had to call the RE's office this morning, because I got a recording on Saturday not to forget my 9am appointment today. 9am appointment...ugh...thanks for reminding me. Today was supposed to be my first ultrasound. I was going to get to see my little angel. Thanks for the little slap in the face. I had to call the office to cancel the appointment..."Hi, this is Kim, I have an ultrasound scheduled for 9am, but I had a miscarriage, can you cancel my appointment please" CRY CRY CRY

I am trying so hard to get it together. I actually got out of the car today when I dropped T off. I smiled when I said good morning. I greeted my friends when they said hello. But on the inside I was sad and crying.

I have been so clingy and needy. But with Rob gone, I feel like I am so alone, with no strength to hold onto. He is my rock. He is my strength. God how I love him!! Thank you for bringing him back to me.

Just another day...

Grief is a funny thing.

One minute you are moving on with life. The next minute you are crying for your loss.

Woke up this morning, and my heart was heavy. Maybe because T is at his dads, maybe because my DH is at training, I am alone.

It's crazy because I feel like one minute I am taking a step forward only to realize that I am taking that step. Suddenly I feel guilty because I put my grief aside. I have been forcing myself to talk to friends (about anything other than me), I have been forcing myself to interact with family. But my heart still weighs heavy.

I wish Rob were here. I'm sure he would be at work today, but it would have the evening to look forward to. I would know that he is near. I know I have been extra needy, and clingly lately, but I think that might be a natural feeling. The feeling of loss makes me want to hold those I love closer and closer.

Grieving

I have been to funerals. I have known and lost loved ones. People I have known for years. But grieving the loss of your unborn child definitely the heaviest loss felt by the heart.

Finding out my unborn baby had not survived was awful. I have begun the grief process.

Shock & Denial - I was shocked that this could happen to me. I knew I could carry a baby. This couldn't possibly be. There must be a mistake. I hadn't seen her miscarry yet. She lingered in my belly. It just isn't possible.
Pain & Guilt - I would never hold the baby in my belly, never see her grow. What did I do to deserve this? Did I do something wrong? Did I not rest enough? Did I lift something too heavy? Was I too stressed? I should have prayed more, I should have gone to church more.
Anger & Bargaining - I was mad at God for taking my baby. A baby that we wanted so much. We are good people. We would give anything to have our baby back. Dear God, please bring our baby back.
Depression - I stayed away from friends and family. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. Leave me alone. I can't function.

I am now starting to work through my sadness, and grief. I am trying to pick myself up, but I will never forget the loss I have experienced, nor the baby I will never hold.

I am looking forward. Heart-broken and stronger.

The beginning...

So here is my first entry...

I never thought I would be writing a blog. But recently something happened that changed me forever. It was suggest to me that because I couldn't talk about it, I should write it. So here goes...
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for six years. I suffer from scar tissue, cysts, and having only a single tube. I have been through so much in the past six years, in hoping to get pregnant. I have had three surgeries, I have tried a cocktail of meds, I have tried injections, several IntraUterine Insemination (IUI), an InVitro Fertilization (IVF), and a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). If you haven't had to deal with any of this, it probably sounds like I'm trying too hard.

When I was younger (probably early 20s) I was told that because I had so many cysts on my ovaries, I would probably never have children. Which was a bummer, because since I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. Over time, I got used to the idea that it wasn't in my cards. At the age of 28, I found out I was miraculously pregnant. My Ob/Gyn was absolutely amazed that it was able to happen. Me too!! I was in denial for several months.

Side Note: Had I never been pregnant with my son, I doubt I would feel so strongly about having a child. I had already accepted that I would never have children.

After my husbands deployment, we decided we wanted to have a baby. But my Dr just didn't see it happening. The cysts had gotten worse, and the scar tissue was thicker and grew back just as quickly as it was removed. We tried a year of just taking clomid, temperature taking, and timed intercourse. But it didn't work.

We then moved to injections. The first medication I was injecting was Gonal F. It was shot directly into the stomach. I was confident that I could handle the injections. But the first time I tried it, it took me three hours to actually do it. I was scared. I cried. I called a friend for a pep talk. I injected myself and never looked back.

Then came the IUIs. The IUI is where the sperm is injected directly into the uterus. My husband left his deposit at a lab (he has the easiest part). the semen was washed, and sperm inserted with a catheter. Not uncomfortable. Just clinical. I went home, put my feet up, started to relax, and then cried. I was scared.

After several IUIs, lots of drugs, and four and a half years. I needed a break. I was overly hormonal. The infertility was getting to me. I was a mess. I gained weight. My marriage was shakey (because I was too hormonally crazed). I took a break of nearly a year. Got my marriage back on track. Got myself put back together, both emotionally and mentally. And got back on the horse.

In December 2009, I did my first IVF. IVF is retrieval of the eggs, fertilized in a dish with the sperm, aged several days and transferred into the uterus. I was confident that this was going to work. After all, I had been pregnant before. I knew I could carry a child. I just couldn't GET pregnant. So, after the transfer, I went home, put my feet up, and relaxed for several days. I waited and waited and waited...two weeks was a long time to wait for a pregnancy test to see if it worked. But low and behold, two weeks went by, and I got a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was sad. I cried. I was certain it would work. The only good news was that I had two extra embryos frozen. I could try again.

My body was ready in February 2010. I began my regimine of medications. It was time to move on to FET. FET is when embryos have been frozen, and then thawed for transfer. Of my two frozen embryos, only one survived. I did not have high hopes. I thought there was hope in numbers. I was sad the day of the transfer because of this. I prayed all day. I prayed and cried through the procedure. I went home, and because my hopes weren't high, I went on with life as usual. Two weeks went by, and I WAS PREGNANT!! Holy cow!!

It had been a trying, painful six years of trying to have a baby. A feat that is so natural to most. We were thrilled that we were going to be brining a life into this world. Again...I cried.

I figured that now that I was pregnant, the hard part was over. Now all I had to do was eat right, take care of myself (and my unborn child), rest, and enjoy the next months of life. Life was good.

When I talked to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) he laughed because I hadn't taken a home pregnancy test. I told him I was nervous, I thought I'd jinx it. My blood test said positive, I was happy. Three day ago, I woke up from a dream, panic'd. I immediately took my home pregnancy test (HPT) and got a Negative result. ?? What?? How??

I called my RE at 6am, and left a panic'd babble on his voicemail. He called me and scheduled another blood test to rest my mind at ease, I should just relax. I went to the lab, gave my blood, and waited once again for that phone call. At 3 in the afternoon, the phone rang, my test was negative. I had lost the baby. I was crushed.

My heart hurt so bad I couldn't breath. When my husband came home from work, I was crying. He was worried... Are you ok? I shook my head. Is it work? I shook my head. Is it our ice baby (the nickname we had been using)? I nodded, and burst into sobs. He held me close, and let me cry. We had lost our baby.

We had received so many Negative HPTs in the past, and I cried with each of them. But a miscarriage, was the most painful heartache I have ever received. I was sad. I was angry. I felt guilt.

I was broken.