Challenging 2018

I feel as though I should be writing more often.  Life is so challenging these days, and when I write, I do feel as though someone is listening.  (At least I am listening).  I have had some pretty trying times, work, kids, home.  And I have put myself aside to take care of all of these things.  I realize i have created my own world, but sometimes I still think it sucks...But from the beginning...

First of all, C is in the 1st grade now.  He is amazing, and smart.  Last year was hard because I had to fight to get him tested and eventually diagnosed with ADHD.  He couldn't sit still, he was very aggressive and impulsive.  I kept asking the school for an assessment for and IEP.  But they kept telling me that "academically he doesn't qualify".  I kept pushing, they kept denying.  Thank God for a great kindergarten teacher.  She was amazing, patient, and had a special way with him.  Then 1st grade began.  He was in a 1st / 2nd combo class.  Initially I thought that would be great for him because he would be able to learn a little beyond his current grade, but it was always so chaotic, constant transitioning between 1st and 2nd graders.  They didn't learn together, they were segregated.  UGH!  To top it off, there were two teachers who shared the class.  So not only were kids transitioning, but teachers were not constant.  I was getting phone calls everyday!  Some days I wouldn't even leave the school, i would just sit in my car up the street because I knew they would call me. Come pick him up, he won't stay in class, he hit a classmate, he took off his shoes.  I was close to losing my job.  I kept asking for an IEP assessment, but again "he doesn't qualify".  I was doing everything in my power to help him.  We tried meds, but one made him more aggressive, one made him sleep constantly.  I spoke to the school nurse one day, she accused me of over medicating.  WTF?  We were seeing a Psychologist, a Behavioral Therapist, a Chiropractor, the pediatrician.  I was working on getting him evaluated further.  What else could I do? 

Then it happened...I got a phone call at 830 in the morning.  And I lost it.  I got to school, what seems to be the problem?  "Cameron won't go to class."  So you called me to pick him up?  There on the playground, just me, the school secretary, they guidance counselor and C...I lost my shit!!!  I was mad that they would call me and not even try to get him in class.  Why?  Well "I feel the school is getting his attendance numbers, and making money from the district for his attendance, then as soon as he is recorded as present, lets just call his mom!"  I was so mad.  My tantrum lasted about 5 minutes or so. 

But guess what?  They decided that we should have him assessed even though they don't feel he qualifies.  The school is yanking my chain.  I know this now.  They also don't think that by testing him when I originally asked for it was a big deal.  Because it is up to their discretion. 

Now, I have had him evaluated by a Psycho Analyst...final diagnosis...Aspergers/Autism, ADHD and Impulsivity Control Disorder.  DOES HE QUALIFY NOW???  UGH!!

Moving on.

T is Awesome.  Senior this year.  Praying that he finds his way and graduates.  He just doesn't have the drive to get his stuff done.  I worry about him.  I think his ADD has had a negative impact on his learning.  But nonetheless, he pushes through it.  At least he had decided what he wants to do with his life.  He wants to bake.  Yay!!  He has been practicing.  He has some talent.  I really hope he continues on.  I am so proud of him.  He is an amazing young man, smart, and quick witted.  And he has the biggest heart, if only he'd share some of that with me and C.  But its ok, he's 17. 

Rob, is still gone.  He has been in Texas since January.  I am tired.  I am tired of doing everything alone while he is on vacation.  He's not deployed, hes vacationing.  Every time I call him, he's getting a mani/pedi, getting work done on his tattoo, going to dinner / movie / bar, or golfing.  It makes me angry.  Especially when I need to talk, and he tells me he has to call back because he's busy with one of those things.  In the meantime what am I doing?  Eating Bon Bons, putting my feet up and enjoying some peace and quiet?  Of course, NOT.  I am busy raising two boys, two dogs, two guinea pigs, working full time, trying unsuccessfully to keep my house clean, and laundry done.   I need to go on a vacation when he gets back.  ALONE 

We are hoping that he gets picked up for orders in Texas again.  We want to move to El Paso.  I have found my dream home.  This will definitely be hard, but it will give me a chance to work with C more, maybe I could work part time for a while.  It will give T a chance to start a life in the real world.  And maybe, just maybe we won't always be poor.  The cost of living is os much less. 

I guess for now I will put my faith in God and know that he is walking with me and guiding me where he wants me to be. 

I will start writing more.  I will.  This I think might be the key to helping me manage through some of the challenges I have been put up against.  It could help me rebuild myself, perhaps find myself again. 

Until next time. 

broken and defeated

Never before have I felt so broken.  
I literally feel like my heart had been ripped apart.   Tonight on a hunch (call it intuition), I looked in my DH's messages and found a rather racy message. In reading the complete thread I learned that they have been having cyber-sex (is that a thing?) through messages and Skype.   While I sleep in another room.  
Is this really happening to me?

I told him when he got home from work that I did something and needed to tell him.   So I told him that I looked through it and showed him what I found.   He just stared at it for so long,  not even saying a word.   Finally he just says "I'm sorry".

I'm angry and hurt and he's sorry?   We will be married 10 yrs in October and I have been thinking of us renewing our vows, I picked out a dress,  found a place and looked at rooms.   And now I don't know if I even want to be married!   At all!

Have I said that in angry?   He says nothing, which only makes it worse.   Oh except that he doesnt see us apart in the future.   I told him he needs help and that will be a beginning,  but I don't trust him or even like him right now.   And I don't know what's I am.  

I have never been so hurt.  I prayed tonight that God help me survive and make the right choices.   Is not that I don't love my DH,  but don't I need to respect myself?



  

Finding me...

My kids are wonderful.  My husband is great.  I have what I have always wanted in my family.  Lots and Lots of love...

Now that my family is complete, I am starting to work on ME!  I have made a decision that I am extremely happy with.  I am going back to school.  I have already spoken to an education counselor.  I have applied for financial aid.  I am working on childcare for my kiddos while I go to class.  If I do the accelerated program I can be done in 8 months, then into a job that I love.  I am going for Medical Assistant program. 

I know it is going to be tough.  And it makes me sad that I am going to find someone to watch my little guys, but I think this will be good for all of us.  I can show my guys that I am important, determined and happy.  Hopefully they will see how hard I work for them, and how hard I work for me.  Hopefully they will respect that as they grow older. 

I look forward to finding myself again. 

Yesterday my little man turned ONE!!  Can you believe it?  The first year flew by! 

I woke up in the morning and was so sad at the fact that my little guy was no longer a baby.  I really miss the newborn days.  Don't get me wrong, I love this stage, and watching him develop his own personality.  But sad that time goes by so quickly. 
I think it is because I worked so hard and for so long (8 long years) to have him, that I really wanted to have more baby time.  Especially since he is my last baby.  I cried all morning, just couldn't seem to get myself together.  :'(  I knew I was sad about him growing, but I didn't know how emotional I would be.  My heart literally felt like it was breaking. 
We went to a power yoga class, while I worked out my anxiety and stress, he played with his friends.  When I left, I felt 100x better.  I really needed that.  After yoga we went for a quick visit with my sister.  And then when Daddy got home we took the boys out for dinner.  Cam of course didn't know that there was anything special about yesterday, but we did. 
Cams birthday party isn't until next week, but I wanted to do something ON his birthday.  So, we went to Hooters for dinner.  The girls pulled Cams high chair into the middle of the room and started singing to him (and some old guy who also had a birthday yesterday).  Cam kept watching the girls sing, I think he liked it.  When they stopped singing, he cried.  We of course took pictures.  hee hee  And then we shared a dessert to celebrate him. 

Happy 1st Birthday little one.  May God bless you for many years to come, and help me guide you to be the best YOU that you can be.  I love you so much!!!  You are a part of my heart and my soul! 
~Mommy

It was a scarey night...

My car died a few weeks ago. 
I got a new car yesterday.  I was so excited!  Its been so long since I had a new car.  I've been driving DH's car around for three weeks.  It is so hard to get an infant in and out of a two-door car.  So we found a car that was perfect for our family.  We had to pick the car up yesterday, so DH fixed the old car enough to drive to the car lot because he had to work.  So I drove to the car lot, parked the old car on the street and drove the new car home!  Yay!
Tonight we went to pick up the old car after DH got off of work.  I dropped DH off at the old car and waited for him to get going.  I turned the corner and about a block down I stopped at the red light.  I was sitting at the light, looked up into the mirror and said "OH GOD!!"  BAM!!  I was rear-ended! BY MY HUSBAND!  I was at a dead stop, hit in the rear at about 25-30MPH.  I immediately pulled over, he pulled in behind me.  My heart was racing.  I jumped out of the car ran to the back seat, to make sure my baby boy was ok.  He was screaming and crying.  My heart was in my throat! 
He hit us pretty hard.  He said he looked down to check the lights and when he looked up I was stopped. 
We were just talking on the way there about selling the old car because the interior and exterior are in perfect condition.  Now, the hood front bumper and front grill are crushed in  UGH!  The new car now has a broken rear bumper. 
DH was so mad at himself.  After he checked on the baby and me, he looked at my new car and was swearing at himself.  I am thankful that no one was hurt.  I told him we are all fine and that at least he hit me instead of someone else.  And it could have been worse, the airbags could have deployed.  (Thank God they didn't)  But he still feels bad. 
My heart is still nervous.  I keep checking on the baby.  I know he is fine, but it just goes to show how quickly things can happen. 

Long time no chat...

I didn't realize how long it has been since I last updated my blog.  Actually published a post I hadn't published from April.  So, it has been a crazy 5 months. 

First of all, tomorrow Cameron will be 8 months old.  I can hardly believe how fast time flew by.  He is such a great kid.  He crawls, pulls himself up, cruises along furniture, says 'mama' and 'tata', and loves exloring new foods.  He has tooth number 5 coming in as we speak.  He has such a curious personality, but is so happy.  He is an angel!!! 

I love his personality and his bond with his brother.  Cameron and Tyler have a special bond.  I love to listen to them sing in the car on the way to school.  And I love to watch him watch Tyler.  They both love each other, and light up when they see the other.  My heart is so warm.  I have been so blessed!!! 

I have been so fortunate to be able to stay home with my babies.  I shouldn't say babies. My big guy just started middle school.  But he will always be my baby.  Tyler loves middle school, and has been showing his baby brother what he learns.  Cameron is just facinated. 

I have the best husband in the world to help me stay home and raise the children.  I hve the best husband EVER!!  I am lucky!  God has blessed me. 

15w3d

What a crazy time it has been.  T has been on Spring break for the past month, and that has been nice, because he has been so helpful, and able to spend time with his baby brother.  T seems to really have taken to Baby Cam.  They both seem to be in love with each other.  I am so glad.
Well, baby boy is definitely a big boy.  He is starting to get so much personality.  He is a morning person for sure.  When he wakes up in the morning, and opens his eyes and sees me, he smiles so big it makes my heart warm.  When T walks into a room, baby boy will follow him with his eyes. 
I do have to laugh, because I see Rob with the baby, and though he looks so uncomfortable...