National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week.

Before I suffered from IF...I had no idea that there was a need for National Infertility Awareness Week.
Before I suffered from IF...I didn't know so many people could be suffering from Infertilty
Before I suffered from IF...Infertility wasn't something we talked about
Before I suffered from IF...I thought being childless was always a choice
Before I suffered from IF...I thought I was strong

I now understand how we need Infertility Awareness. IF is not a choice, it happens. Sometimes we can work around it (IUI, IVF), sometimes it kicks us in the butts (Hormones). But more people need to know that it isn't easy, and it is okay to talk about it. We endure so much during our IF journey, from timing and cycling, to injecting and retrieving. Our carefree life becomes a calendar of testing, drugs and procedures.

During my journey through IF, I have learned so much. Not just about what can cause IF, or about things we can do, but also about myself. I am no longer the same person I once was. I am stronger, more emotional, more sensitive, more fragile. I suffer through secondary IF. Some people dismiss the fact that because I have a child, I don't suffer...but I hurt too. Just because I have a child doesn't mean my IF is any different. It hurts me when others around me just decide to get pregnant. It hurts me when others say "When are you going to have another baby?". It hurts me that I can't give my DH a baby, my DS a brother or sister. I have one beautiful 8 year old son. I know I am so lucky that God picked me to be his mom. But I feel that I want to give more.

IF has made me a stronger person. I have always been strong. But IF requires more strength than you can even imagine. You have to reach deep within, and when you think you can't find any more strength, you have to find more. It's not just the scheduling, the drugs, the injections, but also the failures, the mood swings, and the people around us.

I have learned to be more open about who I am, what I want, and what I plan to do to get it done!! I am learning to ask for the things I need: support, someone to listen, hugs. I am learning that it is ok to cry. It is ok to show my sensitivity.

So...next time you hear that someone is having a hard time having a child (whether #1, #2, #3...), remember they need your support. Listen. Be there. Ask questions. It is ok. At times we will be unreasonable, over emotional, hormonal. But we are moms-deep-at-heart willing to do whatever it takes!!

Dumb @$$

So, my brother called me today. He and my SIL are expecting their 3rd child, due in August. Plus, she has two from her first marriage. So, they have a 5yo and 2 1/2yo girls. My brother so desperately wants a boy.

They had their sonogram this afternoon. They want to find out the sex. The baby was being difficult. But the Dr said it looks like a girl.

So my brother called to tell me..."life sucks, I have such bad luck. Looks like another girl." And he wants to know "Why he's being punished".

Are you kidding me?? WTF?!?

Dear God, please punish me this way, please give me this kind of 'bad luck'. I was so mad that he would even say that.

How about this...Give me this girl. Since you guys like having babies, try again for a boy. And when you get another girl. I'll take that one too. You keep trying for that boy that is so important to you, and I'll build my family of girls. Sounds like a win-win situation.

Now, I shouldn't be upset with him. He doesn't know about our IF issues. I never wanted to tell him, because he is the type of person who would rub my nose in it. But still, you shouldn't be so negative about such a beautiful moment in life. You never know what the person you are talking to has gone through.

I have learned that nothing should be taken for granted, and to appreciate every precious moment.

Anyways, just wanted to get this off of my chest. UGH!!

Friendship

I read a post on Fertility Forum, and got to thinking. In the post, a young lady had mentioned how she had very few friends these days. Mostly because of how people move on. And she shied away as they grew their families.

I got to thinking about how many friends I have. At one time, I had so many friends, that I always had someone to hang out with, have coffee with, or chat with. If I wanted to talk to someone because I was sad that my sister was pregnant, I always had someone. If I wanted support for all the medications, needles or procedures, I always had someone. Now, I see that so many of my friends have backed off. Not really sure what happened.

My best guess...Infertility has changed the person I am. I cannot blame my friends for distancing themselves from me. I must take some responsibility.

I am not the same person I was several years ago. I am so much more emotional, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to run as soon as a friend said she needed a sitter, asked if I wanted to come over, or wanted to talk about her own feelings. I used to be so excited when my friends would tell me they were pregnant. I used to be so full of cheer.

Now, I have endured so much pain and loss that it is hard for me to be that same carefree person I once was. I try so hard to put on my happy face, but it is hard. Over the next several months while I prepare to go on my next IVF journey, I want to find that person that I once was.

Does that all sound silly? I don't think so. I think my IF sisters would agree that IF changes the person we are. Both for the good and not so good. I am more independent and strong. But at the same time, I am more emotional and (dare I say) more jealous, and slighly broken. But each day is a better day, and a day that I am closer to holding the sweet baby I have been so dedicated to creating.

Pre-Deployment Training

Got up early this morning to take Rob to the airport. He has another training before his deployment next month. He had to be at the airport at 5am, ugh! Why doesn't the Army ever fly them out at 10am? He will be gone for 2 1/2 weeks. Which isn't that long, but it is. I'll deal.

Time is going to move really quickly now. Once he gets home, he will be here for two weeks. We have some paperwork to finish, some finances to get in order, he will need to leave a couple of deposits for me to try IVF again, and he will have his deployment farewell celebration. And then off to New Jersey for his mobilization. Can't believe the deployment is almost here. I know I have been through this before, but it doesn't get easier.

This will be the hardest deployment yet. With the pending IVF, the recent miscarriage and all the hormones, he has been my rock. Not sure who I can count on to be there for me when I need to talk, or am feeling especially sad and vulnerable. Any suggestions?

During the last deployment, I had sent him a box each month with a theme (Dec = Xmas, Jan = A new year, Feb = Love, etc) I think I will start putting together new themes to use this time. Plus I sent him a card every day!! It helps to pass the time to continue to do things for him. If you've ever been through a deployment, you know how important it its to keep busy.

Obviously once summer gets here, I will have plenty to keep me busy, with the next IVF. In the meantime, T goes back to school on Tuesday from Spring Break. I want to start putting together to program for myself, I'd like to lose a few pounds and find peace in my heart and mind.

Jack and I are going to start walking each morning.
T and I are going to start doing Yoga for mental peace.
And I am looking into a fitness class.
Plus, I'm still looking for a job.

And life goes forward...

Positive Outlook

Today I had an appointment with my RE to discuss what happened. I knew he wasn't going to be able to give me any exact answers, but I was hoping for something that would either give me closure to heal, or something positive. (It was so hard to walk into the room.) My husband came with me, I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, would I be weepy? Would I be strong?

My RE said that most likely the miscarriage was just bad luck. My lining was great, my hormone level was perfect, and the embryo was good. He said sometimes this just happens. He said that he felt really good about doing another round of IVF, if we wanted it. He said that since we were able to get pregnant with an FET, he had high hopes that we could get pregnant again. He also assured me that if he didn't think that another round of IVF would work, he would be honest with me. This gave me hope.

But he has ordered a round of blood tests for me so that we know where we are. The m/c was so hard on me. It broke who I am. I have decided (along with my husband) that we do want to try again, but I want to wait until summer to schedule my next cycle. I plan on completing the blood tests, losing the few pounds I gained with IF drugs, and finding the peace within my heart before I move forward.

Physically I think I am ready to move forward. But emotionally I am not ready. I am still too hurt. And I can't imagine going through another IVF, losing another baby, and feeling this hurt again so soon. Does that sound crazy? My RE and the IVF coordinator both said I could take my time, and when I was ready we would move forward.

I am still sad. I am still hurt. I am still heartbroken.
But...I am eager to start again, I feel positive that my baby is in my future. I have hope!

Bitterness

I keep thinking that I am bitter. But the more I think about it, the more I am thinking that it is so much more than that. It is a combination of things; anger, sadness, confusion to name a few.

Not sure what made me think about this today. Maybe the fact that my ex-boss is an ass. My ex-boss had the audacity to call and ask how to do something. Seriously? You laid us off without notice, and then a week later you want help? Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, I think I am going to put this behind me today, he is not worth it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE to go over what happened. So, I get to ask questions. But I'm not sure what I want to know. At this point, I just want to know what happened. Why did my baby die? I know they won't have the exact answers, but I still want to know. Maybe it will help me have closure.

I am still fragile. I still hurt, and several people have mentioned that they can see something in my face. I just keep giving my token answer, "just busy". Guess putting on my strong happy face hasn't been perfect. Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. I'll let you know.

Avoidance

I have been avoiding my family since the miscarriage. My sisters and her three daughters. My brother and his two daughters, and one on the way. My parents.

I confided in my husband that I was uncertain about going to my brothers for Easter. I told him that my heart still hurts, and that I have been avoiding everyone because I am still sad. And that being with my nieces, and my pregnant sister-in-law only added salt to the wound. He thought I was being silly.

So I put on my strong happy face, and walked in the door.

I'm sure that anyone who knows me well could see the pain on my face. Even though I haven't admitted it to everyone. But I continued smiling, and spend Easter with the family.

I tried to point my attention towards my pup, my husband, my son. But I often found myself staring at my sister-in-law, feeling jealous, sad. I was on edge, a little snappy. But as soon as I noticed myself behaving like this, I would snap myself back and put that strong smile back on my face.

When we left, we drove in mostly quiet, holding hands. He knew I was hurting, he said he 'gets it'. But I just don't think he understands. I know he tries.

So Easter is over. I can go back to standing back, and dealing with my sadness. Focusing on my son and my husband, our life together.