Avoidance

I have been avoiding my family since the miscarriage. My sisters and her three daughters. My brother and his two daughters, and one on the way. My parents.

I confided in my husband that I was uncertain about going to my brothers for Easter. I told him that my heart still hurts, and that I have been avoiding everyone because I am still sad. And that being with my nieces, and my pregnant sister-in-law only added salt to the wound. He thought I was being silly.

So I put on my strong happy face, and walked in the door.

I'm sure that anyone who knows me well could see the pain on my face. Even though I haven't admitted it to everyone. But I continued smiling, and spend Easter with the family.

I tried to point my attention towards my pup, my husband, my son. But I often found myself staring at my sister-in-law, feeling jealous, sad. I was on edge, a little snappy. But as soon as I noticed myself behaving like this, I would snap myself back and put that strong smile back on my face.

When we left, we drove in mostly quiet, holding hands. He knew I was hurting, he said he 'gets it'. But I just don't think he understands. I know he tries.

So Easter is over. I can go back to standing back, and dealing with my sadness. Focusing on my son and my husband, our life together.