You never know...

when emotion is going to creep up on you, and smack you on the back of the head.

This has been the most trying month of my entire life. What a rollercoaster! With the pregnancy and miscarriage, Rob going to Massachusettes for training, losing my job. It really has been crazy.

I have been fine the past couple of days. I think fine is the wrong word. Numb may be a better word. Lacking emotion is better than dwelling in it sometimes. I am so thankful for my sweet little boy who keeps me smiling, and on my toes.

I sat down after T went to bed tonight, and suddenly had a burst of emotion. And no I didn't burst out in laughter. Suddenly I was sad. Sad and empty. So I put on the radio, and Susan Boyle was singing her heart out. I only heard the last part of the song, but I recognized the song 'I Dreamed a Dream'. I hadn't heard this song in a long time, but this was the first time that I heard the words with my heart.

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

Hit the nail on the head! I'm pretty sure that my dreams have died, and this said it. At least that is how I feel today. Holding on to hope is the biggest challenge of infertility. It is the one wall that I have a hard time getting over. And right now, I have no hope. Sounds sad and pitiful I'm sure. But, its how I feel.

I know I am blessed to have one beautiful 8 year old boy. And, I am lucky. But I never wanted him to grow up alone. I always wanted a litter of babies. I can't imagine life without my siblings. I so wanted him to experience the same bond. The same feelings. I feel like I have failed him. He has lots of cousins. Mostly girls. And he is close to them. But its not the same.

With Easter coming this weekend, I am stressing too. UGH!! Dreading going to my brothers house. Dreading seeing my sister-in-law who is pregnant with her 5th child. Its like throwing salt in the wound. Hurts my heart.

I am so glad my husband will be home to go with me. And my sister will be with me. They are my support. They will hold me together I'm sure. But how do I put on a happy face when all I want to do is cry? How do I pretend to be thrilled when all I am is jealous? These are questions that don't really have answers, but I always feel the need to ask.

I have been avoiding people with babies, and pregnant women because it hurts. But I can't avoid my family forever.

"Dear God, I know that it seems as I have lost faith in your powers, and your plan for me. But I ask you to please help me get through this pain so that I can see what you have in store for me. And please care for my sweet angel who is now in your arms. Amen."