The beginning...

So here is my first entry...

I never thought I would be writing a blog. But recently something happened that changed me forever. It was suggest to me that because I couldn't talk about it, I should write it. So here goes...
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for six years. I suffer from scar tissue, cysts, and having only a single tube. I have been through so much in the past six years, in hoping to get pregnant. I have had three surgeries, I have tried a cocktail of meds, I have tried injections, several IntraUterine Insemination (IUI), an InVitro Fertilization (IVF), and a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). If you haven't had to deal with any of this, it probably sounds like I'm trying too hard.

When I was younger (probably early 20s) I was told that because I had so many cysts on my ovaries, I would probably never have children. Which was a bummer, because since I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. Over time, I got used to the idea that it wasn't in my cards. At the age of 28, I found out I was miraculously pregnant. My Ob/Gyn was absolutely amazed that it was able to happen. Me too!! I was in denial for several months.

Side Note: Had I never been pregnant with my son, I doubt I would feel so strongly about having a child. I had already accepted that I would never have children.

After my husbands deployment, we decided we wanted to have a baby. But my Dr just didn't see it happening. The cysts had gotten worse, and the scar tissue was thicker and grew back just as quickly as it was removed. We tried a year of just taking clomid, temperature taking, and timed intercourse. But it didn't work.

We then moved to injections. The first medication I was injecting was Gonal F. It was shot directly into the stomach. I was confident that I could handle the injections. But the first time I tried it, it took me three hours to actually do it. I was scared. I cried. I called a friend for a pep talk. I injected myself and never looked back.

Then came the IUIs. The IUI is where the sperm is injected directly into the uterus. My husband left his deposit at a lab (he has the easiest part). the semen was washed, and sperm inserted with a catheter. Not uncomfortable. Just clinical. I went home, put my feet up, started to relax, and then cried. I was scared.

After several IUIs, lots of drugs, and four and a half years. I needed a break. I was overly hormonal. The infertility was getting to me. I was a mess. I gained weight. My marriage was shakey (because I was too hormonally crazed). I took a break of nearly a year. Got my marriage back on track. Got myself put back together, both emotionally and mentally. And got back on the horse.

In December 2009, I did my first IVF. IVF is retrieval of the eggs, fertilized in a dish with the sperm, aged several days and transferred into the uterus. I was confident that this was going to work. After all, I had been pregnant before. I knew I could carry a child. I just couldn't GET pregnant. So, after the transfer, I went home, put my feet up, and relaxed for several days. I waited and waited and waited...two weeks was a long time to wait for a pregnancy test to see if it worked. But low and behold, two weeks went by, and I got a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was sad. I cried. I was certain it would work. The only good news was that I had two extra embryos frozen. I could try again.

My body was ready in February 2010. I began my regimine of medications. It was time to move on to FET. FET is when embryos have been frozen, and then thawed for transfer. Of my two frozen embryos, only one survived. I did not have high hopes. I thought there was hope in numbers. I was sad the day of the transfer because of this. I prayed all day. I prayed and cried through the procedure. I went home, and because my hopes weren't high, I went on with life as usual. Two weeks went by, and I WAS PREGNANT!! Holy cow!!

It had been a trying, painful six years of trying to have a baby. A feat that is so natural to most. We were thrilled that we were going to be brining a life into this world. Again...I cried.

I figured that now that I was pregnant, the hard part was over. Now all I had to do was eat right, take care of myself (and my unborn child), rest, and enjoy the next months of life. Life was good.

When I talked to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) he laughed because I hadn't taken a home pregnancy test. I told him I was nervous, I thought I'd jinx it. My blood test said positive, I was happy. Three day ago, I woke up from a dream, panic'd. I immediately took my home pregnancy test (HPT) and got a Negative result. ?? What?? How??

I called my RE at 6am, and left a panic'd babble on his voicemail. He called me and scheduled another blood test to rest my mind at ease, I should just relax. I went to the lab, gave my blood, and waited once again for that phone call. At 3 in the afternoon, the phone rang, my test was negative. I had lost the baby. I was crushed.

My heart hurt so bad I couldn't breath. When my husband came home from work, I was crying. He was worried... Are you ok? I shook my head. Is it work? I shook my head. Is it our ice baby (the nickname we had been using)? I nodded, and burst into sobs. He held me close, and let me cry. We had lost our baby.

We had received so many Negative HPTs in the past, and I cried with each of them. But a miscarriage, was the most painful heartache I have ever received. I was sad. I was angry. I felt guilt.

I was broken.