You never know...

when emotion is going to creep up on you, and smack you on the back of the head.

This has been the most trying month of my entire life. What a rollercoaster! With the pregnancy and miscarriage, Rob going to Massachusettes for training, losing my job. It really has been crazy.

I have been fine the past couple of days. I think fine is the wrong word. Numb may be a better word. Lacking emotion is better than dwelling in it sometimes. I am so thankful for my sweet little boy who keeps me smiling, and on my toes.

I sat down after T went to bed tonight, and suddenly had a burst of emotion. And no I didn't burst out in laughter. Suddenly I was sad. Sad and empty. So I put on the radio, and Susan Boyle was singing her heart out. I only heard the last part of the song, but I recognized the song 'I Dreamed a Dream'. I hadn't heard this song in a long time, but this was the first time that I heard the words with my heart.

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

Hit the nail on the head! I'm pretty sure that my dreams have died, and this said it. At least that is how I feel today. Holding on to hope is the biggest challenge of infertility. It is the one wall that I have a hard time getting over. And right now, I have no hope. Sounds sad and pitiful I'm sure. But, its how I feel.

I know I am blessed to have one beautiful 8 year old boy. And, I am lucky. But I never wanted him to grow up alone. I always wanted a litter of babies. I can't imagine life without my siblings. I so wanted him to experience the same bond. The same feelings. I feel like I have failed him. He has lots of cousins. Mostly girls. And he is close to them. But its not the same.

With Easter coming this weekend, I am stressing too. UGH!! Dreading going to my brothers house. Dreading seeing my sister-in-law who is pregnant with her 5th child. Its like throwing salt in the wound. Hurts my heart.

I am so glad my husband will be home to go with me. And my sister will be with me. They are my support. They will hold me together I'm sure. But how do I put on a happy face when all I want to do is cry? How do I pretend to be thrilled when all I am is jealous? These are questions that don't really have answers, but I always feel the need to ask.

I have been avoiding people with babies, and pregnant women because it hurts. But I can't avoid my family forever.

"Dear God, I know that it seems as I have lost faith in your powers, and your plan for me. But I ask you to please help me get through this pain so that I can see what you have in store for me. And please care for my sweet angel who is now in your arms. Amen."

When it rains...

It pours...

So, last night about 7pm my boss called me. He asked if I could have a meeting with him in the office at 9am. I was already planning on being in the office, so I thought this was strange. He had called Les too, we were going to have a meeting together. Because he has been so wishy-washy the past few months, I had no idea what this was all about. I kept hoping that he just wanted to say how well we took on the changes of the new company. But in my heart, I really didn't think that was it.

So I showed up in the office at 8am. Les was there just a minute after me. Together we tried to figure out what was happening. Of course neither of us had any idea what to expect. So for the next hour, we drove ourselves crazy.

At 9am Boss called and said he was running late. He would be in about 9:30. At 9:45 he showed up. He said good morning. and the conversation went like this...

Boss - Ok. First I'd like to thank you both for being here on time. I have made a decision that I am content with, and I'm ready to stick with it. I'm letting you both go. I want my company to grow, so I'm bringing in a temp to take over all duties.
~Long Pause~
Me - If I may ask, did we not live up to the expectations you gave for us? What did we do wrong?
Boss - I just need to change things.
Les - If you're going to fire us on the spot, you owe us at least that.
Boss - Well, I want my company to grow. I have asked that you both make several changes, including being in the office each day, and you have both been doing that and have exceeded my expectations. I appreciate all you have done.
~Long Pause~
Les and I just looked at each other...WTF???
Boss - Les, I will pick up all company property on Monday. Please have it ready. Kim, before you leave, please remove all personal data from your laptop, and leave it here.
Boss - Good news is, you'll be able to get unemployment, and I am working on a severance package.

~Gee thats great news~ (Whatever)

So much has happened to me this month. I just don't know what else could possibly happen. I wish it would stop. I just don't think I can take one more thing.

I talked to Rob tonight, and he was speechless. He was a little angry, but not with me. He just didn't get it...you're doing a great job, you're fired. Makes no sense. But we'll make things work. I am going to file unemployment, and look for another job. Even a part time job if thats all I can get. Anything with income will help.

Good news is that today was the last day of school for Spring Break. T is out of school until March 20th. So, we will have time together. Started with a movie tonight...

Our family

Today was a good day.

I don't know if there is a true reason...I wasn't exceptionally busy, where I didn't have time to think. Nothing wonderfully fulfilling took place. I just feel better today.

I was going to write about the mean lady from the fertility clinic who called because I haven't finished paying for my procedure. I am not behind in payments. And actually I had to call them a couple of days ago because they were double billing me. She was just having a nasty day I guess...

Instead I want to write about something that makes me happy...my family.

My son T is awesome. He is eight, and extremely smart. He is the love of my life. When God chose me to be his mom, I had no idea how much I would grow as a person. When I found out I was pregnant with T, I really didn't believe the dr. For so many years I thought I'd never have a child, and I had accepted that fate. Suddenly she was saying I was pregnant? She was wrong. It was impossible. So I went home and POAS...+ Two days later I POAS...+ Couple of days later I POAS...+ I must have used a dozen HPTs. And they were all +

I have to say that I was pretty lucky with the pregnancy. No morning sickness. Felt great. Continued to do all the things I liked to do...hiking, biking, swimming, roller blading. Nothing stopped me. Two weeks before T was born, I hiked to the top of Stoney Peak. Felt great.

T's entrance into this world was crazy. First I had the flu. YUK! I was cranky. I wanted to sleep. But was having contractions. I labored for several hours. No drugs. And when they finally said he was really close, they were going to call the dr. So at 2am the dr walks in, says hello, and before she could get both arms in the gown, T was flying out. Good catch Doc.

This entrance set the pace for my baby today. T doesn't do anything until he is ready. And when he is ready, you had better be ready.

The other members of our family are Serra the guinea pig. He is 4 years old, and just a funny little creature, loves to chirp. Goldie the gold fish. He was a white fish T won at the fair 3 years ago, now he is gold. And Jack. Jack is our crazy dog. Jack thinks he is human. He is 1 year old, still a pup, still getting in trouble. But just a sweet little guy. He loves chasing T, and waking him up in the morning.

And then there is my husband. The love of my life. I will tell the story of my husband and I at another time.

We are truly blessed to have each other. And I thank God every day!!

Friends...

I have come to realize that anyone who hasn't had a miscarriage really has no idea what to say...
When I had my miscarriage, I couldn't talk. (I couldn't even get the words out to my DH) It hurt so much that I couldn't breathe. A part of my soul had died. All I wanted to do was cry.
It is now about a week since my miscarriage, and I am still crying. I am still sad. But I am going through the motions of moving forward. But I am starting to talk about it. No matter how much it hurts, I think it helps to talk.

I hadn't told many people about our FET because it is already a stressful time. And, I didn't want people always asking...Did it work? Are you pregnant yet? UGH! Talk about pressure. I did confide in a few close people. My sister being one, and a couple of friends.

My sister is fertile. My BIL walks by too fast and she is knocked up. Over the years as we have gotten older, my sister has become one of my best friends. I know I can confide in her, and she will keep it to herself. When she called to see how I was feeling, I told her I had lost the baby. I was in tears. And she said "I'm sorry. I'll call you in a few days." That hurt. Obviously she didn't know what to say. And really I didn't want her to say anything. Just be there. Say she's sorry, listen to me talk.
A close friend I work with said "I'm sorry. But you can always adopt. Or maybe you can try again. You know, it is when you stop trying that it will happen". (In my case it is physically impossible)
A close friend asked me how I was doing, and I couldn't even answer, I was just crying. Right away, she said "I'm so sorry. I have been praying for you. Are you ok? Do you want to talk? Do you need anything?" She just listened.

These are just a couple of examples. Either people just leave you alone because they don't know what to say. (Hey, I'm not contagious!) Or they truly feel your pain and stand by you.

When you say the word "miscarriage" the looks on peoples faces is extreme. Either they are scared of it, or they cry because of it.

~~~~

I was picking T up from school yesterday when another mom, whom I've become pretty close to, asked me if I was ok. Of course I said things were fine. (Put on your happy face) She sent me a text last night and said "I'm concerned about you. You seem down, can I help with anything? If you need someone to talk to, remember I am here" Such kind words. These are the friends that make me who I am. I told her that we found out we were pregnant after 6 years. But that I miscarried last week. Her heart was broken. We chatted for awhile, and then she remined me that she is always around when I need her. She has a heart of gold.

~~~~

I am so happy to have the friends that I have. They help me become the person I am.

I really thought...

That I was dealing with my loss. But last night I was just so sad. I must have cried a river. My heart hurt. And when I woke up this morning, I was still sad. It has been so hard for me to get out of bed, take a shower, drop T off at school, and go to work. I feel like I am just going through the motions. How do I make this better?
I realized today too that I haven't really eaten much in the past week. I know I have eaten, but I don't think it's been much. And my stomach doesn't seem to notice. Can grief take away the feeling of hunger?
The loss of hunger I guess could be good. Maybe I can lose a few pounds. The pounds I've put on with the fertility drugs. HMMMM....

I had to call the RE's office this morning, because I got a recording on Saturday not to forget my 9am appointment today. 9am appointment...ugh...thanks for reminding me. Today was supposed to be my first ultrasound. I was going to get to see my little angel. Thanks for the little slap in the face. I had to call the office to cancel the appointment..."Hi, this is Kim, I have an ultrasound scheduled for 9am, but I had a miscarriage, can you cancel my appointment please" CRY CRY CRY

I am trying so hard to get it together. I actually got out of the car today when I dropped T off. I smiled when I said good morning. I greeted my friends when they said hello. But on the inside I was sad and crying.

I have been so clingy and needy. But with Rob gone, I feel like I am so alone, with no strength to hold onto. He is my rock. He is my strength. God how I love him!! Thank you for bringing him back to me.

Just another day...

Grief is a funny thing.

One minute you are moving on with life. The next minute you are crying for your loss.

Woke up this morning, and my heart was heavy. Maybe because T is at his dads, maybe because my DH is at training, I am alone.

It's crazy because I feel like one minute I am taking a step forward only to realize that I am taking that step. Suddenly I feel guilty because I put my grief aside. I have been forcing myself to talk to friends (about anything other than me), I have been forcing myself to interact with family. But my heart still weighs heavy.

I wish Rob were here. I'm sure he would be at work today, but it would have the evening to look forward to. I would know that he is near. I know I have been extra needy, and clingly lately, but I think that might be a natural feeling. The feeling of loss makes me want to hold those I love closer and closer.

Grieving

I have been to funerals. I have known and lost loved ones. People I have known for years. But grieving the loss of your unborn child definitely the heaviest loss felt by the heart.

Finding out my unborn baby had not survived was awful. I have begun the grief process.

Shock & Denial - I was shocked that this could happen to me. I knew I could carry a baby. This couldn't possibly be. There must be a mistake. I hadn't seen her miscarry yet. She lingered in my belly. It just isn't possible.
Pain & Guilt - I would never hold the baby in my belly, never see her grow. What did I do to deserve this? Did I do something wrong? Did I not rest enough? Did I lift something too heavy? Was I too stressed? I should have prayed more, I should have gone to church more.
Anger & Bargaining - I was mad at God for taking my baby. A baby that we wanted so much. We are good people. We would give anything to have our baby back. Dear God, please bring our baby back.
Depression - I stayed away from friends and family. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. Leave me alone. I can't function.

I am now starting to work through my sadness, and grief. I am trying to pick myself up, but I will never forget the loss I have experienced, nor the baby I will never hold.

I am looking forward. Heart-broken and stronger.

The beginning...

So here is my first entry...

I never thought I would be writing a blog. But recently something happened that changed me forever. It was suggest to me that because I couldn't talk about it, I should write it. So here goes...
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for six years. I suffer from scar tissue, cysts, and having only a single tube. I have been through so much in the past six years, in hoping to get pregnant. I have had three surgeries, I have tried a cocktail of meds, I have tried injections, several IntraUterine Insemination (IUI), an InVitro Fertilization (IVF), and a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). If you haven't had to deal with any of this, it probably sounds like I'm trying too hard.

When I was younger (probably early 20s) I was told that because I had so many cysts on my ovaries, I would probably never have children. Which was a bummer, because since I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. Over time, I got used to the idea that it wasn't in my cards. At the age of 28, I found out I was miraculously pregnant. My Ob/Gyn was absolutely amazed that it was able to happen. Me too!! I was in denial for several months.

Side Note: Had I never been pregnant with my son, I doubt I would feel so strongly about having a child. I had already accepted that I would never have children.

After my husbands deployment, we decided we wanted to have a baby. But my Dr just didn't see it happening. The cysts had gotten worse, and the scar tissue was thicker and grew back just as quickly as it was removed. We tried a year of just taking clomid, temperature taking, and timed intercourse. But it didn't work.

We then moved to injections. The first medication I was injecting was Gonal F. It was shot directly into the stomach. I was confident that I could handle the injections. But the first time I tried it, it took me three hours to actually do it. I was scared. I cried. I called a friend for a pep talk. I injected myself and never looked back.

Then came the IUIs. The IUI is where the sperm is injected directly into the uterus. My husband left his deposit at a lab (he has the easiest part). the semen was washed, and sperm inserted with a catheter. Not uncomfortable. Just clinical. I went home, put my feet up, started to relax, and then cried. I was scared.

After several IUIs, lots of drugs, and four and a half years. I needed a break. I was overly hormonal. The infertility was getting to me. I was a mess. I gained weight. My marriage was shakey (because I was too hormonally crazed). I took a break of nearly a year. Got my marriage back on track. Got myself put back together, both emotionally and mentally. And got back on the horse.

In December 2009, I did my first IVF. IVF is retrieval of the eggs, fertilized in a dish with the sperm, aged several days and transferred into the uterus. I was confident that this was going to work. After all, I had been pregnant before. I knew I could carry a child. I just couldn't GET pregnant. So, after the transfer, I went home, put my feet up, and relaxed for several days. I waited and waited and waited...two weeks was a long time to wait for a pregnancy test to see if it worked. But low and behold, two weeks went by, and I got a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was sad. I cried. I was certain it would work. The only good news was that I had two extra embryos frozen. I could try again.

My body was ready in February 2010. I began my regimine of medications. It was time to move on to FET. FET is when embryos have been frozen, and then thawed for transfer. Of my two frozen embryos, only one survived. I did not have high hopes. I thought there was hope in numbers. I was sad the day of the transfer because of this. I prayed all day. I prayed and cried through the procedure. I went home, and because my hopes weren't high, I went on with life as usual. Two weeks went by, and I WAS PREGNANT!! Holy cow!!

It had been a trying, painful six years of trying to have a baby. A feat that is so natural to most. We were thrilled that we were going to be brining a life into this world. Again...I cried.

I figured that now that I was pregnant, the hard part was over. Now all I had to do was eat right, take care of myself (and my unborn child), rest, and enjoy the next months of life. Life was good.

When I talked to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) he laughed because I hadn't taken a home pregnancy test. I told him I was nervous, I thought I'd jinx it. My blood test said positive, I was happy. Three day ago, I woke up from a dream, panic'd. I immediately took my home pregnancy test (HPT) and got a Negative result. ?? What?? How??

I called my RE at 6am, and left a panic'd babble on his voicemail. He called me and scheduled another blood test to rest my mind at ease, I should just relax. I went to the lab, gave my blood, and waited once again for that phone call. At 3 in the afternoon, the phone rang, my test was negative. I had lost the baby. I was crushed.

My heart hurt so bad I couldn't breath. When my husband came home from work, I was crying. He was worried... Are you ok? I shook my head. Is it work? I shook my head. Is it our ice baby (the nickname we had been using)? I nodded, and burst into sobs. He held me close, and let me cry. We had lost our baby.

We had received so many Negative HPTs in the past, and I cried with each of them. But a miscarriage, was the most painful heartache I have ever received. I was sad. I was angry. I felt guilt.

I was broken.