Friendship

I read a post on Fertility Forum, and got to thinking. In the post, a young lady had mentioned how she had very few friends these days. Mostly because of how people move on. And she shied away as they grew their families.

I got to thinking about how many friends I have. At one time, I had so many friends, that I always had someone to hang out with, have coffee with, or chat with. If I wanted to talk to someone because I was sad that my sister was pregnant, I always had someone. If I wanted support for all the medications, needles or procedures, I always had someone. Now, I see that so many of my friends have backed off. Not really sure what happened.

My best guess...Infertility has changed the person I am. I cannot blame my friends for distancing themselves from me. I must take some responsibility.

I am not the same person I was several years ago. I am so much more emotional, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to run as soon as a friend said she needed a sitter, asked if I wanted to come over, or wanted to talk about her own feelings. I used to be so excited when my friends would tell me they were pregnant. I used to be so full of cheer.

Now, I have endured so much pain and loss that it is hard for me to be that same carefree person I once was. I try so hard to put on my happy face, but it is hard. Over the next several months while I prepare to go on my next IVF journey, I want to find that person that I once was.

Does that all sound silly? I don't think so. I think my IF sisters would agree that IF changes the person we are. Both for the good and not so good. I am more independent and strong. But at the same time, I am more emotional and (dare I say) more jealous, and slighly broken. But each day is a better day, and a day that I am closer to holding the sweet baby I have been so dedicated to creating.