So, as it goes, things have been pretty smooth so far. But I am waiting for a bomb to drop. Nothing is this easy. So, of course I am thinking the worse...My ovaries aren't producing...

I have been taking my shots like a big girl. Really they haven't been bad. These are the easy ones. And I don't feel overly hormonal, only slightly bloated at my ovaries. My bloodwork seems to be good so far, and the ultrasounds have showed my follicles are growing. I have another ultrasound tomorrow, and then hopefully they will tell me to trigger on Sunday!! I am so excited.

I have the support of my co-workers and a few close friends. I have been a little more open about it this time. Though, I haven't told Rob yet. I want to wait until I have my Beta. I see no need to worry him while he is away. I would rather excite him with a positive test.

I am so positive this time. I have started accupuncture, and feel that has not only helped me reduce stress, but also is preparing my womb to house an embryo for 9 months. I have lost 25 pounds, quit drinking coffee, soda and alcohol. Aand have relieved myself of all the negative in my life.

I am ready! Go TEAM!!

So cross your fingers, and pray that a bomb doesn't drop!!

Back in the saddle!!

I am officially on the calendar to begin again!! My estimated ER date is the 3rd week of April. If all goes according to the calendar (which it usually doesn't), my 1st BETA will be on May 11 (my moms birthday).
I can hardly believe that I am getting a chance to try again. I am so excited.
Rob is still deployed, so I will be going at it alone. I'm sure Rob is happy about missing mood swings, and having to help with shots. ha ha ha I don't mind the shots, its a small price to pay.

Once I talk to the clinic tomorrow, I will have a better idea of what to expect! Just wanted to share that we are starting again!

<3

On the road again...

Yesterday was my first day back on the road again. I am so excited to begin again!!

I had my blood drawn for another round of IVF. I also have my first saline sonogram on February 28th. We will be begin another round hopefully in April. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we get lucky!

In Rememberance

I knew this day was coming. Today is Veterans Day. It is the day that we celebrate the rememberance of all the service men and women who have served out country, are serving and will serve. Thank you to all those heros God has blessed us with.

But, what most don't know is that it is also a very sad day for me. It is the day that will forever be burned into my heart. It is the day that will always hold sadness because I will not be able to hold my baby. Today was the day I was due to bring my baby into this world.

I knew I would be sad. I did not look forward to this day. I do feel sad. I feel like a piece of me is missing. And I cry. I cry because I could not protect my little angel. My heart is broken. I am sorry my little angel. I am sorry that I was not hero enough to protect you. I am sorry that I could not bring you to meet your father, my true hero, my soldier.

I think of you daily, and hope that God is taking care of you until we meet again. I loved you even before I met you. And I love you still.

Some days...

There is a commercial that I've seen on tv recently, I can't remember the product, but the woman says..."When my children were babies, they were so sweet, I could have eaten them up. Some days, I wish I had!!" I laugh every time I hear this.

Today was one of those days. T has been so difficult recently, and I don't know why. He has been sassing me, back talking, ignoring me, walking away from me...basically a teenager, except that he is 9. WTH?!?!

During Robotics, his robot wasn't working EVERY time. It worked many times though. But each time he ran it, he would stand up and say "I quit" or "I give up". He was just being negative. He started talking back to me, and I had to take him outside and I spanked his butt!! What made him think that was ok?? Really?? He stood outside, nose to the wall, and cried until we were done. Once we got into the car, we talked about being respectful, and not being rude. We talked about not talking back, and fulfilling his obligations to the team. He cried all the way home.

I don't understand why he feels the need to push my buttons. I asked him, and he doesn't have an answer. I asked him if he thinks it makes me feel good to punish and yell at him, and he said yes. Doesn't he understand how much it bothers me to punish him? UGH!!!!

Makes me wonder sometimes if I am doing a good job. But I keep telling myself that I am doing my absolute best!!

Thank God I love him so much!! <3

Just thinking...

I watched a movie today, a documentary called Babies. It was about 4 babies from different parts of the world (America, Malaysia, Indonesia, Africa). Their lives from birth throught heir first year. It was cute.
But of course it made me miss my baby more. Today I would be 37w4d. Hard to believe that at this point, I would be wishing for time to hurry. I would be so close to my sweet HOPE. Its funny, because sometimes I sit here and think about what life would belike if she were truly coming. How would my life be different? What would I be doing? I know there is no use wondering, but I do.
I look forward to experiencing life as a new mom again. I look forward to giving my husband the ultimate joy of life. Hopefully in the Spring. Crossing my fingers.

I know how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband, and a great son. I cherish that every day of my life!! Thank you God!

Wave of Light

October 15th, WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, SIDS

On this day a Wave of Light has shone upon the Earth in rememberance of all the angels sharing their wings with God. All around the world, candles were lit at 7pm to remember our loved ones, causing a continuous wave of light.
I chose to light three candles. One for the loss of my angel (whom I have been calling HOPE), one for my friends/curlys who have lost their angels, and one for the love and peace that guides them home.
Today I would be 36w1d. I would be so close to holding my sweet HOPE. Instead I celebrate the love of an angel who stands with me, and guides me.

I continue to feel the sadness in my heart. I want to hold my baby. I cannot let go of the memory I was blessed with. I cannot let go of my sorrow. It has become a part of who I am.

I have dealt with the loss of my baby. But as the due date draws near, I feel the pain all over again. Like it is happening all over again. I hurts to think that I will never be able to see my angel. I will treasure the date forever ~November 11, 2010

‎"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt