Life as we know it...

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

broken and defeated

Never before have I felt so broken.  
I literally feel like my heart had been ripped apart.   Tonight on a hunch (call it intuition), I looked in my DH's messages and found a rather racy message. In reading the complete thread I learned that they have been having cyber-sex (is that a thing?) through messages and Skype.   While I sleep in another room.  
Is this really happening to me?

I told him when he got home from work that I did something and needed to tell him.   So I told him that I looked through it and showed him what I found.   He just stared at it for so long,  not even saying a word.   Finally he just says "I'm sorry".

I'm angry and hurt and he's sorry?   We will be married 10 yrs in October and I have been thinking of us renewing our vows, I picked out a dress,  found a place and looked at rooms.   And now I don't know if I even want to be married!   At all!

Have I said that in angry?   He says nothing, which only makes it worse.   Oh except that he doesnt see us apart in the future.   I told him he needs help and that will be a beginning,  but I don't trust him or even like him right now.   And I don't know what's I am.  

I have never been so hurt.  I prayed tonight that God help me survive and make the right choices.   Is not that I don't love my DH,  but don't I need to respect myself?


Friday, March 15, 2013

Finding me...

My kids are wonderful.  My husband is great.  I have what I have always wanted in my family.  Lots and Lots of love...

Now that my family is complete, I am starting to work on ME!  I have made a decision that I am extremely happy with.  I am going back to school.  I have already spoken to an education counselor.  I have applied for financial aid.  I am working on childcare for my kiddos while I go to class.  If I do the accelerated program I can be done in 8 months, then into a job that I love.  I am going for Medical Assistant program. 

I know it is going to be tough.  And it makes me sad that I am going to find someone to watch my little guys, but I think this will be good for all of us.  I can show my guys that I am important, determined and happy.  Hopefully they will see how hard I work for them, and how hard I work for me.  Hopefully they will respect that as they grow older. 

I look forward to finding myself again. 

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Yesterday my little man turned ONE!!  Can you believe it?  The first year flew by! 

I woke up in the morning and was so sad at the fact that my little guy was no longer a baby.  I really miss the newborn days.  Don't get me wrong, I love this stage, and watching him develop his own personality.  But sad that time goes by so quickly. 
I think it is because I worked so hard and for so long (8 long years) to have him, that I really wanted to have more baby time.  Especially since he is my last baby.  I cried all morning, just couldn't seem to get myself together.  :'(  I knew I was sad about him growing, but I didn't know how emotional I would be.  My heart literally felt like it was breaking. 
We went to a power yoga class, while I worked out my anxiety and stress, he played with his friends.  When I left, I felt 100x better.  I really needed that.  After yoga we went for a quick visit with my sister.  And then when Daddy got home we took the boys out for dinner.  Cam of course didn't know that there was anything special about yesterday, but we did. 
Cams birthday party isn't until next week, but I wanted to do something ON his birthday.  So, we went to Hooters for dinner.  The girls pulled Cams high chair into the middle of the room and started singing to him (and some old guy who also had a birthday yesterday).  Cam kept watching the girls sing, I think he liked it.  When they stopped singing, he cried.  We of course took pictures.  hee hee  And then we shared a dessert to celebrate him. 

Happy 1st Birthday little one.  May God bless you for many years to come, and help me guide you to be the best YOU that you can be.  I love you so much!!!  You are a part of my heart and my soul! 

Friday, November 2, 2012

It was a scarey night...

My car died a few weeks ago. 
I got a new car yesterday.  I was so excited!  Its been so long since I had a new car.  I've been driving DH's car around for three weeks.  It is so hard to get an infant in and out of a two-door car.  So we found a car that was perfect for our family.  We had to pick the car up yesterday, so DH fixed the old car enough to drive to the car lot because he had to work.  So I drove to the car lot, parked the old car on the street and drove the new car home!  Yay!
Tonight we went to pick up the old car after DH got off of work.  I dropped DH off at the old car and waited for him to get going.  I turned the corner and about a block down I stopped at the red light.  I was sitting at the light, looked up into the mirror and said "OH GOD!!"  BAM!!  I was rear-ended! BY MY HUSBAND!  I was at a dead stop, hit in the rear at about 25-30MPH.  I immediately pulled over, he pulled in behind me.  My heart was racing.  I jumped out of the car ran to the back seat, to make sure my baby boy was ok.  He was screaming and crying.  My heart was in my throat! 
He hit us pretty hard.  He said he looked down to check the lights and when he looked up I was stopped. 
We were just talking on the way there about selling the old car because the interior and exterior are in perfect condition.  Now, the hood front bumper and front grill are crushed in  UGH!  The new car now has a broken rear bumper. 
DH was so mad at himself.  After he checked on the baby and me, he looked at my new car and was swearing at himself.  I am thankful that no one was hurt.  I told him we are all fine and that at least he hit me instead of someone else.  And it could have been worse, the airbags could have deployed.  (Thank God they didn't)  But he still feels bad. 
My heart is still nervous.  I keep checking on the baby.  I know he is fine, but it just goes to show how quickly things can happen. 

Monday, September 10, 2012

Long time no chat...

I didn't realize how long it has been since I last updated my blog.  Actually published a post I hadn't published from April.  So, it has been a crazy 5 months. 

First of all, tomorrow Cameron will be 8 months old.  I can hardly believe how fast time flew by.  He is such a great kid.  He crawls, pulls himself up, cruises along furniture, says 'mama' and 'tata', and loves exloring new foods.  He has tooth number 5 coming in as we speak.  He has such a curious personality, but is so happy.  He is an angel!!! 

I love his personality and his bond with his brother.  Cameron and Tyler have a special bond.  I love to listen to them sing in the car on the way to school.  And I love to watch him watch Tyler.  They both love each other, and light up when they see the other.  My heart is so warm.  I have been so blessed!!! 

I have been so fortunate to be able to stay home with my babies.  I shouldn't say babies. My big guy just started middle school.  But he will always be my baby.  Tyler loves middle school, and has been showing his baby brother what he learns.  Cameron is just facinated. 

I have the best husband in the world to help me stay home and raise the children.  I hve the best husband EVER!!  I am lucky!  God has blessed me. 


What a crazy time it has been.  T has been on Spring break for the past month, and that has been nice, because he has been so helpful, and able to spend time with his baby brother.  T seems to really have taken to Baby Cam.  They both seem to be in love with each other.  I am so glad.
Well, baby boy is definitely a big boy.  He is starting to get so much personality.  He is a morning person for sure.  When he wakes up in the morning, and opens his eyes and sees me, he smiles so big it makes my heart warm.  When T walks into a room, baby boy will follow him with his eyes. 
I do have to laugh, because I see Rob with the baby, and though he looks so uncomfortable...

Sunday, February 19, 2012


OMG!! Cameron is 5 1/2 weeks old and I am just now getting around to posting about his delivery...So here goes...
On Tuesday January 10th, I went in for my regular OB appointment. According to my first u/s I was 39 weeks, according to the second u/s I was 1 week overdue. Whatever...I was uncomfortable.
So at 2pm I went to the OB, my BP was high 143/98. The checked my cervix and checked for dialation, but baby boy still hadn't dropped and there was 0 dilation. I asked about induction because of how big baby was getting (already measuring over 9 lbs) and the fact that I had a cracked rib. She said she wasn't ready to discuss it, and I started crying. I hurt. She was so concerned because I have never let the discomfort bother me before. She checked my BP again at the end of my appointment and it was still high. So she told me to got to L&D to be monitored again.
I went to L&D and they hooked me up to a monitor. So I texted Rob and told him what was happening. After being there for over an hour the doctor came in and talked to me about the posibility of inducing. I told her that I was fine with that if it was the best thing for the baby, I was actually happy about it. She asked me if I had my bag with me, and I said "yes, but I don't have my husband". LOL I called Rob and told him "how would you like to have a baby tonight?" I told him what was happening, and told him to take T to his grandmas house. So he did and then came to the hospital to be with me.
At one point my BP was 168/111. It wasn't getting any better. At about 9pm they began induction. The contractions weren't too bad. at around 10pm they checked my cervix and it was at 3cm. WooHoo, things were moving now...but baby boy still wasn't dropping. So they increased the pitocin every half an hour in hopes that they could really get things moving.
At 8am the next morning, I sent Rob home to shower and have breakfast, and asked him to please not bring breakfast smells back with him since I was so hungry. UGH! I hate being hungry. At 8:30am the Dr came in and asked me how I felt about a c-section because I hadn't progressed since 10pm the night before and baby was not dropping. They were worried about laboring too long with my BP high, and the fact that I was already moving with no sleep in over 24 hours. I told them I was partially expecting a c-section because of my cracked rib, so I was ok with it. They told me that they would stop all the pitocin and other inductions, and look at the calendar to see when they could get me in. The Dr came back about 15 minutes later and said "Are you here alone? Do you have any family here?" I told him that I sent my husband home to eat and shower but he would be back soon. Right away he asked if I could get him back asap. They had an opening for a c-section at 9:30. I said ok, and started texting DH. Nurses, doctors, interns, more nurses, anesthesiologists were all coming in. Everyone was talking at once, I was trying to text, but couldn't think, so my text read..."C-Section, come back asap" thats it. He came rushing back. As he was rushing to my room, I was being wheeled into the ER. Noone was explaining anything to him, poor guy. He didn't know what was happening. He was worried. He didn't know if I was in danger, or baby was in danger, but truth was neither of us was. It was just about scheduling.
I didn't have a chance to text anyone else. Not my mom, not DH's mom, not my sister...Things moved fast!
So, I get into the ER while they get DH ready in another room. They ask me to sit on the table and lean forward so they could give me an spinal. They told me that once they gave me the drug, I would feel warmth travelling down my legs and would no longer feel anything. They said they would help me lay down, but that I needed to keep my arms crossed and suddenly feel like I was falling because I couldn't feel anything. That was a strange feeling. Then they strap my arms down, drape me so I couldn't see anything, and get DH. He comes in, and I explain to him what was happening. You could see he was nervous. Poor guy!!
They then said they were going to begin. In just a few moments they asked dad if he had the camera ready. DH fumbled to get the camera ready. Drs said to lean over the drape and get ready to get the first shot. And suddenly they said "Here he is, dad. Get a good picture, but don't drop the camera over the drape." LOL Suddenly baby boy was crying. As soon as I heard him cry, I started crying. I cried because I couldn't hold him, because I wanted to touch him, because he was here!! My little miracle was finally here!!!!!
Dad cut the cord while someone took pictures. I could hear baby boy crying. I was still crying. Dad went with baby to the nursery to be weighted, measured and assessed. While they closed me up, I could hear the doctors talking..."How much do you think that baby weighted?" "That was one big boy." "Do we have a weight on that baby yet?" "He had to be about 10 pounds" I was wondering if they knew I was still there, so I asked them "do you think you could take out about 10pounds of extra stuff?" Just me being silly, passing time.
A few minutes later, DH came back in, holding baby boy. He held him to me, let me kiss his little head since I was still strapped to the table and unable to hold him. I started crying again. I wanted to hold him so badly!! But at least I could kiss him.
When they were finished to closing me up, they took us to a recovery room. I snapped apicture of baby boy, and sent it to my family and posted it to my January mommies group. I called T's grandma and told her to look at her phone, I just sent her a picture. She did, and she showed T too. They both kept saying "Oh my God". Once my family all responded, I posted it to facebook. Immediately people were responding. When I got to hold him for the first time, it was my magical moment!!!! I felt so great, happy, in love.
Baby boy had to be formula fed because his body sugars were too low. So his first several feedings were formula. He also was jaundiced. So we had to keep poking him for blood to keep testing him. Poor little guy. But he was here!
Cameron McKay A.
9lbs 2oz
21" long